First,
I want to thank all of you for your love, prayers and support, since I
announced the death of my estranged husband. It has, truly, meant a lot to me!
One of my Twitter fans even said, as an encouragement, that now is the time for me to prove my title...The
Savvy Survivor.
Typically,
when I hit the emotional wall, like this, I would resort to binge eating,
drinking alcohol, or smoking to cope with my nerves. I can’t do either of
those, anymore...because they would do more harm, than good. So, I need to find
another way to cope with this massive roller coaster of emotions I find myself
on, at this time. A niece of mine, whom I’m very close to, suggested I vent in
the form of a blog.
So,
until I can function, again, as a normal human being, this blog will contain
entries full of despair, confusion, grief, and anger, from time to time.
I
met James two years out of high school...we had gone to the same high school,
but ran with different crowds. The day we officially met, there was a
connection almost immediately. And, even back then, we had some obstacles to
overcome; he was often times, moody and distant, and I never could figure out
why. The reasons he’d give me never made sense.
We broke up more times, during
the 24 years we knew each other, than I can count! And, the only
breakup that was my idea was the one that led to our divorce, back when our kids were little; the
darkness he had allowed himself to get swallowed up by, had caused him to
become violent, and I was genuinely afraid for me and the kids. I had no choice, but to leave.
Hardly
anyone I know (family and friends), was able to understand why I kept getting back
together with him...and our getting re-married blew everyone away! Some people even called me a fool. My family didn't like him, all that much, because of the
way he treated me, when the darkness rolled in; what they still don’t
understand, is that I knew him well enough to know the “asshole” behavior
(pardon my use of terms) wasn't his fault...it wasn't intentional. I may have been the only one who could see that.
What was James' fault, was that he never sought help for this mental disease (I believe he was
bipolar). He didn't want to be labeled “crazy”, so he never got tested for
depression, or bipolar disorder, or anything of that nature. The only disease he got help for, was diabetes...it was a physical illness, not a mental one.
After
we separated, this time, I found myself getting caught up in all the negative
energy a few of my family members were sending out; he was being accused of
plotting and scheming against me, and I joined in. How else would they see it,
when James had convinced me to sign away the remaining child support he owed
me, and then we fell apart (again)? I even questioned whether or
not he ever loved me, at all....verbally, in an e-mail to him. And now, I wish I could tell him I know the
truth; after speaking with a long-time friend of his, I know now, he really did love me. I'm sorry, I couldn't see it, then.
Why is it that we never really know
someone, until after they’re gone?? I also found out from a conversation with my youngest daughter after she had contacted James' mother, he only abandoned me, when I told him I was
diagnosed with breast cancer, because he didn't believe me...he and I weren't on good
terms, at the time. I wish I had known that, then...I would have sent him my
medical file.
If
I could go back in time, to the day we met, and do it all again...I would. The
only thing I would do differently is insist that he get help for his mental
distress, and get on medication to control it, once I saw that breaking up had become a habit.
Knowing (now) how much he loved
me, I could have shown him some tough love and not taken him back, until he got
help....we would have avoided getting divorced, in the first place, if I had
insisted back then. I’m sure it would have helped.
When
it was good between me and James, it was SOOO good; but, when it was bad...it
was just easier to hate each other. The emotional roller coaster he and I had
been on, all those years, took its toll on our relationship, in the end. I know
he loved me, as much as I loved him; but, the darkness that kept swallowing him
up, always managed to build a wall between us. Until now, no matter how many
time the darkness came between us, we managed to dig through the wall, and find
our way back to each other.
This
time, the darkness won.
And
now, I find myself experiencing emotions I never knew I had; and ones I don’t
want to feel! This morning, on my personal Facebook page, I made this
statement, as if I were talking to James...
“It's been a week, since you took your life; and, even though, we weren't speaking to each other, I found a certain sense of peace knowing you were still out there....somewhere....being angry at me. What am I going to do, now??”
I’m
lonely, and distressed; I feel empty and incomplete...angry, lost, guilty. And, I’m
experiencing all of these emotions, and more, all at the same time; it’s
dizzying! I saw a picture of James, from back in high school (senior photo), yesterday, and felt like I got punched in the gut!
I’m trying hard to focus on the good times James and I shared; but
then I end up sobbing, hysterically, because the realization hits me...we’ll
never have any more good times, together. Right now...I'd settle for an argument!
Father
God, please help me get through this!!! Hold me in your arms, and help me to
see that I will be alright, some day!!
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