URGENT MESSAGE...PLEASE READ!!!

"And you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." John 8:32 (NLT)

This Blog highlights a few points that I've learned upon watching the docu-series, The Truth about Cancer: A Global Quest. I thought I had learned a lot, since beginning my own cancer journey...but this docu-series blew my mind!! Let me share some of what I've learned...

1 in 2 men and 1 in 3 women will get cancer, sometime in their life. Ok...wait; half of the male population, and 1/3 of the female population...of the world...will get cancer?? That's insane!!

Mainstream medicine is only given 1 hour of education on nutrition. The word “doctor” actually means…teacher.

“One of the first duties of a physician is to educate the masses not to take medicine.”  ~ William Osler (one of the founding professors of Johns Hopkins Medical Center)

Mainstream medical professionals, today, get taught to prescribe medications…not to educate their patients on ways to keep themselves healthy.

Over a century ago the Carnegie and Rockefeller foundations engineered the curriculum of medical schools through grants and donations (The Flexner Report – 1910). When the money is coming from a source which has a vested interest in the outcome, the outcome will be what the donor wants it to be.

There used to be homeopathic medical schools, as well as conventional medical schools, about a century ago; but, the Carnegie's and the Rockefeller's were interested in establishing a “one size fits all” system. The natural health colleges weren’t putting enough emphasis on patented drugs and pharmaceuticals, which were being manufactured by Big Pharma; and, all Big Pharma companies are funded by the Carnegie and Rockefeller corporations. Do you smell a rat??

They convinced the American Medical Association to begin shutting down those colleges; and as soon as the AMA began to target the homeopathic colleges, the Carnegie and Rockefeller corporations began to shower billions of dollars on the colleges that taught drug-intensive curriculum. Upon distributing those generous donations, these corporations would place staff members on the college’s Boards of Directors to assure that their donations were being used “properly”; these new members continued to be on the payroll of those corporations, as well.

Unfortunately, money talks quite loudly. Once the new Board Members were in place, the curriculum that was being taught was drastically shifted in the direction of pharmaceuticals….no more lessons on the health and well-being of the patient. And the colleges/universities that were given the highest donations turned out the most highly recognized doctors. This is not a coincidence, folks.

By 1925, over 10,000 herbalists were out of business. By 1940, over 1,500 chiropractors would be prosecuted…the charge was practicing quackery. The 22 homeopathic practitioners in 1900, dwindled down to just 2, by 1923. By 1950, all the schools teaching homeopathy were closed. And it was well-known that if a physician did not graduate from a Flexner-approved medical school, they couldn’t find a job…anywhere.

Most mainstream doctors today don’t realize that the medical school they graduated from is nothing more than Big Pharma’s lap dog…because they don’t understand this history; it's conveniently left out of the curriculum. Now, the only approved treatments are those that are created by Big Pharma; if anyone tries to find alternative treatments, their insurance companies deny them coverage.

Disease is nothing more than a marketplace, and the present day healthcare industry was built on that one, simple premise. The success of this business model hinges solely on the continuation and spreading of present day diseases, and the creation of new ones. Without those two directions, the medical establishment would go belly-up.

In 1913, the American Medical Association developed an internal department that they called the “propaganda department”; its main goal was to eliminate quacks…which was anyone who didn’t line up with Big Pharma’s agenda. What is “quackery”, anyway??

George Washington died as a result of blood-letting, which was an approved treatment back in that day. Ignaz Semmelweis (July 1, 1818 – August 13, 1865) was the first person to suggest that doctors wash their hands before performing surgery; he was labeled a quack, ridiculed by his colleagues (they considered his findings improbable and unscientific), and eventually went mad! Now, hand washing is standard protocol for surgeons.

And, nowadays, any doctor who does not prescribe chemotherapy to a cancer patient is also considered a quack.

Chemotherapy was first discovered in the early 1940s because in Italy, nitrogen mustard gas was dropped from aircraft to destroy the enemy; during autopsies, it was discovered that the lymphocytes of those men were drastically decreased. Someone then got the bright idea to create a synthetic drug that acts much the same way as the mustard gas, to treat cancer patients.

Did you know that 90% of Oncologists today would never prescribe any chemotherapy drug for their own families, or for themselves? But, they’ll jump at the chance to prescribe it for us.

In 1971, President Nixon declared a war on cancer; but we’re not any closer to winning that war now, than we were back then. One of the reasons this war continues is because of the money that can be made by Big Pharma; chemo drugs not only kill cancer cells, they kill healthy cells as well. This makes recovery that much more difficult, resulting in the prescribing of more drugs and more chemo, as the patient lives on. Most cancer patients die from chemotherapy poisoning, before their cancer can kill them. And most chemo drugs CAUSE cancer, in other parts of the body.

Tamoxifen is the #1 drug prescribed to women who have been diagnosed with breast cancer; it has been labeled a carcinogen by the WorldHealth Organization and the American Cancer Society. Nobody ever talks about that, before prescribing it; I only found out, after I began taking it…I did some homework.

By 2020, more than half of all cancer cases will be medically induced, because of drugs or radiation. That means that the medical establishment, itself, will soon become the leading cause of cancer in America.

Cancer doesn’t kill…the complications from it are what kills people. Liver failure, sepsis, kidney failure, pneumonia, etc. will be what kills the cancer patient…and only after that patient is exposed to chemo and radiation treatments.

About 97% of patients who are given chemo die within 5 years, says the 2004 edition of The Journal of Oncology. Chemo is NOT your only chance…that’s a lie!!

The folks who blend the chemotherapy drugs have to wear what resembles a HazMat suit, because the chemicals they're handling are TOXIC!! Why do we allow them to put that stuff inside us, if they’re not even allowed to come in contact with it, while they mix it up??

Hippocrates said this....

He's known as the founder of medicine; Hippocratic medicine treated the patient, and not just the disease. Today, that's known as Functional Medicine.

The Truth about Cancer: A Global Quest discusses several methods of Functional Medicine in treating and beating cancer.

I’ve learned SO much, thanks to this docu-series! We’ve all been lied to, at the expense of our health; it’s time to learn the truth!!

This docu-series is full of survivor stories, and information from experts who are aware of the truth. These experts are putting their careers on the line to bring the truth out into the open; some of them are even risking losing their license to practice medicine, just so everyone can learn the truth.

Here is the link to purchase this docu-series; trust me, it's an investment you won't regret making!!

If you'd like to own the Extended Edition, click here.

Please consider purchasing this docu-series...every one of us deserves to know the truth! It's time to take the bull by the horns are eliminate cancer, once and for all!!

Raise Awareness by Taking Off Your Bra…Are You Kidding Me??

It’s been declared that today is National #NoBraDay…it’s supposed to be a Breast Cancer Awareness thing; personally, I think it’s the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard!!

Breast Cancer (or any cancer) is NOT a fashion statement!! It’s not a trend, a social club, or a badge of honor, either…IT’S A DISEASE, AND ITS JOB IS TO KILL YOU!!

This, my friends, is awareness.....

Mastectomy scar on a man. Yes, they can get breast cancer, too!

Mastectomy scar on a woman...complete with drainage tube.

Chemotherapy feels a lot less peaceful than this looks.

The Breast Self Exam...DO IT!!

Symptoms of Breast Cancer

It is my opinion that the focus needs to shift from awareness, to prevention and curing those who have it. Only about 5% to 10% of breast cancer diagnoses are thought to be hereditary, caused by abnormal genes passed from parent to child; the rest were preventable!

To prevent breast (or any other) cancer, do the following:

• If you smoke…stop!!
• Eat more raw, organic whole foods like fruits, veggies, nuts, seeds and whole grains; cut down on your consumption of meat and dairy
• Exercise several times a week, every week
• Limit your intake of alcohol
• Stop eating processed foods and junk/fast food
• No more canned foods, convenience foods, chips, snack cakes, etc.
• No more trips to Burger King, McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Taco Bell, etc.
• Use natural skin/hair care products
• Most OTC products contain endocrine-disrupting chemicals
• DIY your cleaning products, to reduce exposure to chemicals
• Switch to glass food storage containers
• Even the BPA-free stuff is made with toxic chemicals
• Use natural sunscreens (read the ingredient lists!)
• You can also go DIY. Here’s a recipe from Wellness Mama

Taking off your bra for the day is not going to bring awareness to anything, other than the fact that you’re not wearing your bra. Put it back on!

If you really want to raise awareness…share this Blog post!! I’ve been in a battle for my life, for the last three years; I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer, in July 2012.

Here's a link to the beginning of my journey. Happy reading, and have a blessed day!!

It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!

No, this isn't a Blog about the Peanuts Halloween special; although, I am looking forward to watching that, on Halloween (tradition!). But, it is officially pumpkin season, here in the United States, and I'm excited!!

I love Charlie Brown...I love Fall....and I love pumpkins!! Pumpkins are amazing; they're nutritious, delicious and totally versatile!

Here's a brief run-down of just how awesome pumpkins are...

Check out all these amazing benefits!!

Did you see that?? So much goodness to improve your health! And, I love fact sheets...especially the ones that come with recipes; I can't wait to try that smoothie recipe!! LOL!

Some other things I've learned about the wonder that is a pumpkin are as follows:

• Eating pumpkins reduces the risk of gastric, breast, lung and colorectal cancer, regardless of family history.
• Eating pumpkins reduces breast cancer risk, in both pre-menopausal and post-menopausal women.
• Cucurbitacin E, a compound found in pumpkins, has been shown to inhibit triple-negative breast cancer metastasis in the lab, by suppressing cell migration and invasion.
• Pumpkins contain hypoglycemic substances that may improve diabetes.
• Intake of orange and yellow vegetables (like pumpkins) may also be protective against prostate cancer and non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma.

I, personally, love eating pumpkins/pumpkin seeds...and I totally wish they had a longer harvesting season. I made sure to collect a few recipes, recently, so I'll have plenty of variety when it comes time to grub on some yumminess!!

Here, let me share them with you:

Pumpkin and Black Bean Casserole - FatFree Vegan

Pumpkin Pancakes - Chocolate Covered Katie

Raw Vegan Pumpkin Pie - This Rawsome Vegan Life

Nutty Pumpkin Chip Cookies - Happy Healthy Life

Raw Pumpkin Spice Granola - Fragrant Vanilla Cake

Pumpkin Spice Ice Cream - A Calculated Whisk

Gluten-Free Pumpkin Donuts - My Whole Food Life

My goodness....I think I've made myself hungry!! LOL! Have a blessed day, everyone...and don't forget to partake in some pumpkin goodness this Fall!!

FYI - Try to buy organic pumpkins, if you can!

Cancer Fighter Update

I saw my new Oncologist, today, and we discussed the labs from the blood work I had done, during my last appointment.

Cancer has reared its ugly head, once again. I wasn't able to do the scans, because the pain in my back was too intense; but she says, thanks to the blood work, she noticed my cancer markers are elevated; and that's a clear indicator that I'm in for another battle.

She ordered some targeted therapy drugs for me; a drug called Femara is one of them. She also wrote up a new Rx for Tramadol, so I won't be in so much pain, anymore. As for the scans, we rescheduled them, and I'm going to be under the influence of Diazepam, for that appointment. She tried to get them to agree to completely sedate me, but they're not having it; so "Plan B" is to take a tranquilizer....along with my pain meds, and muscle relaxer, right before I do the scans.

I'm praying that this time works....otherwise they'll have to sedate me. She NEEDS the scans to form a battle plan!

She also said my iron was a tad low, but it's nothing to be concerned about.

So...the cat's out of the bag, so to speak; I now know why I've been in so much pain, and have had difficulty moving around, these last few months.

Time to kick cancer's butt, again!! I WILL be cancer free, in Jesus' name, because the Bible says I'm already healed!! And I'm still holding God to his promise that this disease will not end in death.

I've got a life to live....and I intend to do exactly that!! God bless you all, for being part of my story! I can't tell you how much I appreciate each and every one of you!!

Let the battle begin.....

Indeed it did...I will never give up, or give in!!

Mountains, Giants and Holy Cows

Hello, my loves....first of all I want to let you know I'm back online (finally got WiFi!); so the Blogs will be much nicer looking, now! And I've fixed the ones that didn't look so great! LOL!!

I have, officially, been a citizen of Knoxville, TN for roughly three months....I signed my lease in December 2014, and spent the holidays with my youngest daughter and granddaughter; I only began occupying my apartment, in mid-January.

Can I shoot straight with you? I have something to confess. These last three months have been a roller coaster of obstacles, excuses and weakness....a lot of "mountains", "giants" and "holy cows". I haven't been walking my mission like I should be, and I'm sorry.

While my body adjusted to life in my new city, I began to feel severe pain in my hips, and legs. At times, it seemed that my body didn't want to move, at all...just like me, my limbs are rebellious and stubborn. The obstacle I need to overcome is the pain, because it keeps me from moving. The more I move, the less pain I'll be in; right?

Well, that will only work, if I stop letting the pain keep me in my chair. Some would say I was making a mountain out of a mole hill; and at times, I would have to agree with them. Even though the pain makes it difficult to move, I can still move! My problem is, instead of telling the mountain to move out of my way, I just sat here and stared at it.

Another issue I'm currently facing is that I'm still spending cash on food....I don't yet have my food stamp card, even though I applied for that, back in February. Enter the giants....all the excuses and procrastination I could muster.

There's a Family Dollar store directly behind my building; I plan to shop there, when I need things like toilet paper, feminine supplies, and stuff for my apartment. I didn't plan on buying food there, because all the food Family Dollar sells is processed junk! However, (warning...excuse in progress!) considering the amount of pain I was dealing with, and the fact that it stopped me from exploring Knoxville, buying junk is better than starving; I can always venture out, and shop at a real grocery store, once my body feels better!! See what I did, there?

No exercise (every street is either uphill or downhill) and a plethora of junk at my disposal....enter the holy cows; otherwise known as food addiction. DiGiorno Pizza, Velveeta Shells and Cheese, BirdsEye Voila meals, Ramen noodles, Chef Boyardee, etc. I know they all look super yummy....but none of these products is healthy! Please don't eat them!! I've stopped eating them, which is why I'm writing this Blog.

I've felt the impact of re-introducing those food-like products, to my digestive system, too.....my body has been screaming at me! Steadily, the pain got worse, my bowels aren't moving like they should be, and I'm feeling depressed. I'm not getting healthy!! And, I'm terrified; I'm reversing all the hard work I've already put in, and will end up back in the Chemo Chair, if I don't get a grip and get serious about my health!!

A friend of mine is allowing me to borrow a laptop, because mine broke; this friend as also supplied me with a handful of movies, in case I get bored (before I set up my Wifi). One of the movies I've watched is Facing the Giants. If you haven't seen it, I encourage you to do so! This movie spoke to me in ways I never thought were possible.

This is one of my favorite scenes....

The conviction to do our very best (despite the mountains, giants and holy cows) is what God is looking for....and I have failed Him more times than I care to count. This scene convicted me; honestly, the whole movie convicted me....but this scene made a powerful statement to my heart.

I was texting my oldest daughter, one afternoon, and she asked me how I was doing; I told her I was disappointed in myself. I had anticipated being further along in my "new life" than I was, and had become disgusted by the fact that I had slipped back into some old habits.

The Apostle Paul said, in Romans 7:14-20, he hated that he couldn't do right by God; he always seemed to give in to his sinful nature. I keep holding on to what God told my oldest daughter, the week I was diagnosed...He said I wasn't going to die from this disease, but it was going to be used for His glory.

It is NOT my intention to make God out to be a liar! But I know, if I don't get healthy and stop this disease from destroying the rest of my body, that's exactly what will happen....I'll die from breast cancer. And I'm the only one who can stop myself from eating things that will destroy my health.

So....now that I've fallen, again.....it's time to pick myself up off the ground, dust myself off, and keep believing I will be the person God wants me to be!

I will NOT accept defeat!!

Love is in the air!!

Happy Valentine's Day, my loves! I hope you're all having a stellar day, today! You mean so much to me, and I appreciate that you're part of my life. You make this journey of mine worth living!!

Love on that special someone a little extra, today. My focus will be on my friends, my family, and you....because if I focus on the one person I don't have in my life, I won't enjoy this day at all. The end of this month marks the anniversary of the day my late husband killed himself; and I just don't want to deal with the pain my heart is trying to feel.

So, my goal is to focus on the joy of the day....and love on all of you.

This journey I've been on has been a roller coaster of ups and downs; I must admit, I prefer the ups. But who wouldn't....right?? A significant up has been getting to know all of you. I've grown fond of all of you, and look forward to sharing more of my ups (and downs) with you, as the years progress.

It's hard to believe it's been almost three years since I was diagnosed. I'm still looking forward to being cancer free for five years; but I have to stay in remission for that day to come. I'll keep you posted on how that develops!

And now, for some updates....

Christmas and New Years were wonderful! I spent almost an entire month at my youngest daughter's house. My granddaughter, Alice, can almost say her name! She says something that sounds more like "Ally", but it's close enough! LOL!

The last time I had been there (for her birthday week), she wasn't walking yet; but as soon as I got there, I watched her toddle across the living room, and was overcome. The only words that came out of my mouth were, "Oh my gosh!" and I almost cried. She's so precious!

Alice is really smart, too. She still doesn't talk, although she knows how; her Daddy says he was the same way, as a baby. He didn't start using words until he was around 2-3 years old. To be honest, Alice doesn't need to use words; when she communicates, there's no mistaking what she's saying. If you can't tell how she feels, by the look on her face, she's not shy about yelling at you. I corrected her a few times, and the look on her face said enough. As with all toddlers, she's not fond of the word "no".

And if she wants something from you, she opens one hand and points to it with the other, repetitively....until she gets what she's after. She's very generous, too; she likes to share her things with those around her, and she enjoys feeding Mommy, when it's mealtime. I was delighted, when she offered to feed me! Playing at the park was fun, too. I couldn't run around with her, but I sure got a ton of photos while she ran around with Mommy and Daddy. LOL!

I took this photo while we were at the park. My Little Angel is growing up!!

Good news!! I finally moved to Knoxville. I signed my lease before going to my youngest daughter's house; and have been officially occupying my apartment, since mid-January.  I must admit, the kitchen is the smallest one I've ever been in, but I adore it! The apartment even comes with emergency call switches, which I love. And the fire alarm works......really well! It's gone off (spontaneously) in the middle of the night, a couple times. LOL!

I've met some of my neighbors; they seem like decent folks. My neighbor across the hall is my hero.....my living room light blew out, and he changed it for me (being short sucks). And I had assumed I was the youngest one here....but have since met a few other disabled people who are younger than me.

I haven't been around town all that much, because my lower back and hips don't appreciate the fact that there are no flat sidewalks (or parking lots); I'm either walking uphill or downhill....and both hurt. The stronger I get, the easier it'll become; I just need to be patient with myself, while I adjust. I'm looking forward to discovering the wonder that is Knoxville! 

I have to be honest, I had mixed feelings about being out on my own. It's just me now, so I'm excited about the idea of being able to do things and go places, without worrying about someone else's schedule. But at the same time.....it's just me, now. I'm living alone for the first time in my life; and that's a bit scary. It's not as bad as I thought it would be, so I'm relaxing a bit more about it.

This is the smallest kitchen I've ever had, but it's a perfect size for me!!

I'm sitting in the recliner...not a bad size for a living room!!

Everything about this place is ADA approved!!

Can't wait to add some decor...my bedroom looks empty! LOL!

Another update for you....I have an Instagram account; if you have one too, come on and follow me! I've been whipping up some good stuff in my kitchen, so I figured it was time to branch out. You can also follow me on Twitter and Facebook.

 Here's one of the recipes I've made; I adapted it a bit. The original recipe is called Morning Glory Juice; but, I made it a smoothie, because my juicer needs to be replaced. I love my Ninja!! This is the one I use.

10 strawberries
3 carrots
1 banana (not in the original recipe)
1 grapefruit (peeled)
1/2 a lemon (peeled)
2 tsp of powdered ginger (the original recipe calls for fresh ginger)

Juice them, or blend them like I did; I encourage you to try it! I shredded the carrots before blending them; it made it easier. And it is a bit pulpy (I didn't strain it). I'm also thinking about adding some raw honey next time, because it was a little tart for my taste. But it was amazing!!

 

Well, I'm all out of updates.....for now. Have a spectacular day, my loves! God bless you!!

Stardate 92610.14 (geek moment)

For those of you who are not familiar with all things Star Trek, I’ll translate the Stardate for you....today is January 3, 2015; and I woke up at 6:42am. I’m geeking out, only because I woke up!!!

Let me explain....

The day I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer, my doctor also said, “So...this is what you’ll die from.” I defied is claim; but later learned that, statistically speaking, the average survival rate is 2½ years. My loves.....that’s today; as of this day, it’s been 2½ years since I was diagnosed!!

AND I’M STILL ALIVE!!!

I’m in tears, as I praise God for the privilege of being alive, to share this with you. As many of you know, while I was in the hospital, having been newly diagnosed, my oldest daughter prayed for my healing. As she was praying, she was led to read John11:3-4 from her Bible. And I've been hanging onto that promise, every day.

According to the American Cancer Society,  the 5-year survival rate for Metastatic Breast Cancer (Stage 4) is 22%. I was never given an “expiration date”, so I fully intend to be one of those who survives well beyond the first 5 years. Bring it on!! LOL!

Another one of my favorite Bible verses is, Psalm 118:24; I will, indeed, rejoice in this day! Rejoice with me, my loves....it’s a new day, and we’re alive and well!

I hope you have a stellar day, today!!

HAPPY 2015!! New Year....new Blog post!!

Hi, again! My loves, I realize that it’s been several months since my last blog entry...I’m terribly sorry; I developed a severe case of writer's block, and could not pull out of it! As I’m writing this, it’s 4:07am (EST), New Year's Day.

On with the updates! I finally moved out of my sister and brother-in-law’s house....I have a tiny apartment in Knoxville, TN, now! Here are a few pictures...

Yes, my kitchen really IS that small! LOL! It’s perfect, though....just the right size for me! I've met some of my neighbors, and they seem to be pretty decent folks. My oldest daughter took me on a tour of Knoxville, a few days before I headed to Atlanta, GA to spend Christmas and New Year’s with my youngest daughter and granddaughter; I've been having such a great time, with them....I'm planning on staying most of this month.

As many of you know, I had a recurrence, mid-year, last year. I believe it’s gone, again; but, I won’t know for sure, until I line up a new set of doctors, when I get back to Knoxville. My new Oncologist will need to run tests, to see what needs to be done, if anything. As of right now, I’m going to believe that I am cancer free, once again!

I moved on December 17, 2014, after my last course of chemo was done. Coincidentally, my new adventure began, the day the last Hobbit movie was released in theaters, world-wide! I've always said I’m a Hobbit at heart, so now I have a timeline to prove it! LOL!!

This is where my life, truly begins....it’s just me, myself and I, now. For the first time, in my life, I’m on my own! No one to keep an itinerary for; no one to keep mine for me, either. No one to hold me accountable, except me; it’s time to go next level!! I’m truly excited to see what God has in store for me, this year!

At this moment (4:20am EST) I seem to be running out of steam....I've only had 3 hours of sleep, tonight. Y’all won’t mind if I stop here, and get some more rest, would you? I’ll pick up again, when I get up, later! Good night!

7:54am – Ok....that’s better! Good morning, my loves!

Now, back to my blog. Getting better acquainted with my granddaughter has been such a joy; she felt comfortable with me, soon after I got here (Christmas Day) and has been steadily warming up to me, more and more, each day. Last night, we had a breakthrough moment!

Whenever she gets scolded for doing something she’s not supposed to do, she apologizes with a kiss; she doesn't quite have the vocabulary skills, to verbally apologize, yet. I've been allowing her to carry my cell phone around, and push the buttons (she likes technology); she can’t call anyone, because the keypad is locked, so I let her play with it. Well, last night, she threw it behind the bed. She’s being taught that there are things you’re allowed to throw, and things you’re not allowed to throw....cell phones are not to be thrown.

Mommy scolded her for throwing Grammy’s cell phone, and Alice went to give Mommy a kiss, to apologize; Mommy told her to apologize to me, instead, and brought her to me. I looked her square in the face, told her that what she did to my phone was not nice.....and she kissed me! It was magical!!

Alice likes to play a variation of hide-and-seek; she gets behind Mommy, in her blind spot, and Mommy says, “Where’s da baby?” Alice’s response to that question is to step out from behind Mommy with a big smile on her face....and Mommy is glad to see her (“There you are!!”)  She has included me in the game, now....while she’s hiding behind Mommy, she’ll peek around and look at me, as if to ask if she’s doing it right. I love it!! It’s fun to trick Mommy! LOL!!

"There you are!!" (sorry for the blur!)

This little person is too smart, for her own good, too! She can talk....she just doesn't; Mommy says Alice’s Daddy was like that, when he was a baby, too. One day, she’ll decide it’s time to speak her mind...until then, she communicates in other ways. She knows how to share things she has possession of, as well; she hands them to you, if she wants to share them. She can high-five, and fist bump, too; it’s hysterical! And, I love watching her make decisions...the look on her face is just precious.

Alice even likes to tease me....I call out her name (“Aaaaalice!”), and she answers back, “mmh-mmh” (translation – “no I’m not!”) She thinks she’s very clever, when she teases me, like that! We both get a kick out of it, too! LOL!!

When I get back to my apartment, I’m going to get a proper ID, sign up for assistance (Medicaid and Food Stamps) and get the ball rolling on my new medical team. I’m also planning on joining the YMCA, and looking into vegetarian meet-up groups, so I can get acquainted with like-minded people. Which means I'll have more content for the Blog!

For now, I'm enjoying spending time with my family. I hope you're having an enjoyable day, as well!! God bless you, all!

The Savvy Survivor - A New Chapter

First, I want to thank all of you for your love, prayers and support, since I announced the death of my estranged husband. It has, truly, meant a lot to me! One of my Twitter fans even said, as an encouragement, that now is the time for me to prove my title...The Savvy Survivor.

Typically, when I hit the emotional wall, like this, I would resort to binge eating, drinking alcohol, or smoking to cope with my nerves. I can’t do either of those, anymore...because they would do more harm, than good. So, I need to find another way to cope with this massive roller coaster of emotions I find myself on, at this time. A niece of mine, whom I’m very close to, suggested I vent in the form of a blog.

So, until I can function, again, as a normal human being, this blog will contain entries full of despair, confusion, grief, and anger, from time to time. Please bear with me, my loves...I pray I can breathe again, soon!

I met James two years out of high school...we had gone to the same high school, but ran with different crowds. The day we officially met, there was a connection almost immediately. And, even back then, we had some obstacles to overcome; he was often times, moody and distant, and I never could figure out why. The reasons he’d give me never made sense.

We broke up more times, during the 24 years we knew each other, than I can count! And, the only breakup that was my idea was the one that led to our divorce, back when our kids were little; the darkness he had allowed himself to get swallowed up by, had caused him to become violent, and I was genuinely afraid for me and the kids. I had no choice, but to leave.

Hardly anyone I know (family and friends), was able to understand why I kept getting back together with him...and our getting re-married blew everyone away! Some people even called me a fool. My family didn't like him, all that much, because of the way he treated me, when the darkness rolled in; what they still don’t understand, is that I knew him well enough to know the “asshole” behavior (pardon my use of terms) wasn't his fault...it wasn't intentional. I may have been the only one who could see that.

What was James' fault, was that he never sought help for this mental disease (I believe he was bipolar). He didn't want to be labeled “crazy”, so he never got tested for depression, or bipolar disorder, or anything of that nature. The only disease he got help for, was diabetes...it was a physical illness, not a mental one.

After we separated, this time, I found myself getting caught up in all the negative energy a few of my family members were sending out; he was being accused of plotting and scheming against me, and I joined in. How else would they see it, when James had convinced me to sign away the remaining child support he owed me, and then we fell apart (again)? I even questioned whether or not he ever loved me, at all....verbally, in an e-mail to him. And now, I wish I could tell him I know the truth; after speaking with a long-time friend of his, I know now, he really did love me. I'm sorry, I couldn't see it, then.

Why is it that we never really know someone, until after they’re gone?? I also found out from a conversation with my youngest daughter after she had contacted James' mother, he only abandoned me, when I told him I was diagnosed with breast cancer, because he didn't believe me...he and I weren't on good terms, at the time. I wish I had known that, then...I would have sent him my medical file.

If I could go back in time, to the day we met, and do it all again...I would. The only thing I would do differently is insist that he get help for his mental distress, and get on medication to control it, once I saw that breaking up had become a habit.

Knowing (now) how much he loved me, I could have shown him some tough love and not taken him back, until he got help....we would have avoided getting divorced, in the first place, if I had insisted back then. I’m sure it would have helped.

When it was good between me and James, it was SOOO good; but, when it was bad...it was just easier to hate each other. The emotional roller coaster he and I had been on, all those years, took its toll on our relationship, in the end. I know he loved me, as much as I loved him; but, the darkness that kept swallowing him up, always managed to build a wall between us. Until now, no matter how many time the darkness came between us, we managed to dig through the wall, and find our way back to each other.

This time, the darkness won.

And now, I find myself experiencing emotions I never knew I had; and ones I don’t want to feel! This morning, on my personal Facebook page, I made this statement, as if I were talking to James...

“It's been a week, since you took your life; and, even though, we weren't speaking to each other, I found a certain sense of peace knowing you were still out there....somewhere....being angry at me. What am I going to do, now??”

I’m lonely, and distressed; I feel empty and incomplete...angry, lost, guilty. And, I’m experiencing all of these emotions, and more, all at the same time; it’s dizzying! I saw a picture of James, from back in high school (senior photo), yesterday, and felt like I got punched in the gut!

I’m trying hard to focus on the good times James and I shared; but then I end up sobbing, hysterically, because the realization hits me...we’ll never have any more good times, together. Right now...I'd settle for an argument!

Father God, please help me get through this!!! Hold me in your arms, and help me to see that I will be alright, some day!!