Social Injustices at Christmas Time

I love this picture! I wish all families could be this fortunate!!

I am neither a Liberal, nor a Conservative...I don't do labels; what I am is a fed up citizen, who has grown tired of all this political grandstanding, judgmentalism, religious posturing, and hate-mongering; and I've come to realize that the United States is no better than the average 3rd world nation! It seems the "important" people are looking down there noses at the less fortunate.

Recently, I did some research in order to comment on a post by a Facebook page I’m a fan of, concerning meeting the needs of the less fortunate because you may be the hand of God to them; and the statistics I learned about ticked me off.

So, please forgive the rant…but, pay attention to what I’m about to say!

It’s the Christmas season; but there are a few things we seem to have forgotten. The cold reality of the destitute in the USA…

Recent Statistics (within the last 2 years)

• Vacant Houses – 14.2 million
• Wasted food (not eaten or sold) – 133 billion pounds
• Homeless – 578,424 men, women and children

That is downright disgraceful!! According to the Conservative Right, the United States is a Christian Nation, and the greatest nation on the planet! Why then, in the name of all that is decent, are these statistics even a reality??

Don’t want the US Government to take care of those who are less fortunate than you?? Then, stop passing the buck!!

You heard me…when you donate to a charity organization (soup kitchen, clothes closet, etc.), like any decent Christian would, you are LITERALLY passing the buck; you’re telling them it’s THEIR responsibility to care for the poor, homeless and hungry.

And, I've got a news flash for all you Conservative Right-wingers who pat yourselves on the back for being such good Christians, when you religiously donate your tax deductible contributions to charities; you're actually supporting government-funded socialist programs. You're not as against socialism as you thought, eh??

Mark 12:30-31 And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength.’ The second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ No other commandment is greater than these.” (NLT)

Matthew 25:34-36 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world. For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’....“And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’ (NLT)

However, the Conservative Right has become so busy arrogantly beating their chests over what it means to be a Christian, that they’ve forgotten what He commanded!! This is what happens when one becomes "high and mighty" in their own sight (Romans 12:13), they lose sight of the greatest commandment we were given! 

I was homeless, at one point in my life; it's not a lifestyle anyone desires, trust me. Most of the homeless and destitute don’t get seen by those charity organizations; which is why they panhandle...in an attempt to survive, one more day/night. And all of these organizations are bound by rules and regulations (imposed on them by the government) that make it very difficult to properly see to anyone's needs!!

Whenever I had a job, I always looked for someone to help; I’ve bought food and drink for homeless people who ask me for help, many times. Even when I didn’t have a job, I still tried to meet the needs of the less fortunate. I may not have been “earning my keep”, but I still tried to help those who didn’t have anything.

Sometimes I would deliberately ask them how they were doing, and wait to hear them tell me what they need. If I couldn’t fill that need, myself, I would pray that someone would come into their lives that could; but, I always tried to meet their needs, whenever possible.

That’s what Jesus said we should do…take care of each other!! There’s even a stipulation as to whom we should be caring for…when you did it to the least of these. According to Jesus Christ, Himself, we are SUPPOSED to be caring for those who are less fortunate than ourselves.

If you don’t want “Big Gov” to do it, get off your religious high horses and start doing it yourself!! Share what God has blessed you with…not with a charity organization, but with an actual needy person.

Buy them some food, or clothing! Put them up in a hotel, if you don’t want them in your house. Help them find a job; or hire them, if you own a business!! Find a way to fix up those abandoned houses, and let a homeless family occupy them! Show some compassion and empathy....HELP THEM!!

I’m not just saying do these because it’s December, and we’re gearing up for the Christmas holiday…I’m saying do it EVERY day of the year!! BE the Light of Christ to those who have no hope!!

The Liberal Left wants the world to be a better place for all human beings. They believe in fairness, and equality among ALL people. In fact, I've met more Liberals who are more compassionate, in their every-day lives, than most Conservative Right-wingers. Ain't that something!

Jesus had compassion on the weak (Matthew 9:36)…we need to practice that, too. THAT is how we’re going to make this world a better place, for everyone!!

Merry Christmas?? Not for the forgotten...

This is a scene from the story "The Little Match Girl"
I encourage you to read it...this is what we're doing to our own homeless.

Raise Awareness by Taking Off Your Bra…Are You Kidding Me??

It’s been declared that today is National #NoBraDay…it’s supposed to be a Breast Cancer Awareness thing; personally, I think it’s the most idiotic thing I’ve ever heard!!

Breast Cancer (or any cancer) is NOT a fashion statement!! It’s not a trend, a social club, or a badge of honor, either…IT’S A DISEASE, AND ITS JOB IS TO KILL YOU!!

This, my friends, is awareness.....

Mastectomy scar on a man. Yes, they can get breast cancer, too!

Mastectomy scar on a woman...complete with drainage tube.

Chemotherapy feels a lot less peaceful than this looks.

The Breast Self Exam...DO IT!!

Symptoms of Breast Cancer

It is my opinion that the focus needs to shift from awareness, to prevention and curing those who have it. Only about 5% to 10% of breast cancer diagnoses are thought to be hereditary, caused by abnormal genes passed from parent to child; the rest were preventable!

To prevent breast (or any other) cancer, do the following:

• If you smoke…stop!!
• Eat more raw, organic whole foods like fruits, veggies, nuts, seeds and whole grains; cut down on your consumption of meat and dairy
• Exercise several times a week, every week
• Limit your intake of alcohol
• Stop eating processed foods and junk/fast food
• No more canned foods, convenience foods, chips, snack cakes, etc.
• No more trips to Burger King, McDonald’s, Wendy’s, Taco Bell, etc.
• Use natural skin/hair care products
• Most OTC products contain endocrine-disrupting chemicals
• DIY your cleaning products, to reduce exposure to chemicals
• Switch to glass food storage containers
• Even the BPA-free stuff is made with toxic chemicals
• Use natural sunscreens (read the ingredient lists!)
• You can also go DIY. Here’s a recipe from Wellness Mama

Taking off your bra for the day is not going to bring awareness to anything, other than the fact that you’re not wearing your bra. Put it back on!

If you really want to raise awareness…share this Blog post!! I’ve been in a battle for my life, for the last three years; I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer, in July 2012.

Here's a link to the beginning of my journey. Happy reading, and have a blessed day!!

Go and Sin No More (not health related)

I’ve been quietly following the Kim Davis story, and I applaud her for standing up for what she believes in….but, she’s doing it wrong.

As a Believer, she is to abstain from sin (all Believers should)…here’s a small list of what she’s not supposed to do:

• Steal
• Murder
• Engage in immoral sexual acts
• Be a homosexual
• Be a prostitute
• Worship idols
• Be greedy
• Take the Lord’s name in vain
• Dishonor her parents
• Curse, or speak in a hateful or tasteless manner
• Lie, commit slander, be a hypocrite, gossip, etc.
• Want anything that belongs to someone else
• Get drunk in public
• Brag about your own accomplishments (self-importance) 

She’s also not supposed to be divorced, except in matters of infidelity (either spouse); or commit adultery, herself, which she has done. However, she has only been a Christian for four years; until then, she was of the world, and the rules of Christian life didn’t apply to her….now she is in the world, but not of it, and they all apply. More on that, later.

Kim believes she’s doing God proud by denying a same-sex marriage license, because the Bible states that homosexuality is a sin. However, it is only a sin to those who believe it to be so….the rest of the world doesn’t count. Therefore, it is up to her, as far as her beliefs take her, to not commit that sin, herself; she does not have the right to impose her religious beliefs on those who don’t share them….none of us have that right! And, the couple she denied the marriage license to aren’t going to break up, just because they couldn’t get the license…they will continue with their relationship, despite being denied their legal right to marry.

Here’s how Kim Davis should’ve handled that situation…according to the Bible.

Romans 13:1-3 Everyone must submit to governing authorities. For all authority comes from God, and those in positions of authority have been placed there by God. So anyone who rebels against authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and they will be punished. For the authorities do not strike fear in people who are doing right, but in those who are doing wrong. Would you like to live without fear of the authorities? Do what is right, and they will honor you. (NLT)

The governing authorities of the United States have declared that same-sex couples have the right to be married, if they so choose. Kim Davis rebelled against God, in this matter, when she denied that couple their marriage license. And, she’s soaking up the limelight that decision has afforded her.

Don’t get me wrong…I’m not standing in judgment over her; that’s not my place! But, if you’re going to obey God’s Law, you need to obey it completely; which brings me to this point:

Deuteronomy 17:12 Anyone arrogant enough to reject the verdict of the judge or of the priest who represents the Lord your God must die. In this way you will purge the evil from Israel. (NLT)

So….according to Biblical law, Kim Davis should be put to death for rebelling against God, when she refused to submit to the governing authorities of the land. Who’s gonna be her executioner?? (FYI: I'm not suggesting that someone should kill her)

Kim Davis is standing in judgement over same-sex couples; by denying them their marriage licenses, she’s telling them that she is god and she will decide their lives for them. That’s not her place. She’s supposed to do the job she was hired to do….as a Christian, she’s also supposed to pray for people she believes are in sin; she should be praying for God to come into their lives and open their eyes, so that they can turn away from that sin.

I wonder if she’s even thought of that…or is she too busy, being the current “media darling”, to notice where she’s gone wrong?

Another thing about this whole story that irks me, is all these memes of her that cite how much of a hypocrite she is….like this one:

Do your homework, before you call her a hypocrite!! All of those things happened prior to giving her life to Christ….they don’t count, anymore! The only things that count, as she lives her Christian life, are the things she’s been doing in the last four years, and beyond.

When a person gets saved, the life they lived before giving themselves to Christ is washed away…it no longer matters. What God judges us on is how we walk the walk, after declaring Him Lord and Savior of our lives.

2 Corinthians 5:17 Anyone who belongs to Christ is a new person. The past is forgotten, and everything is new. (CEV)

The sins she commits as a Believer, are the only ones God will hold against her…unless she repents, and turns away from them. This is what I’ll be praying for!

Anyone want to add their two cents in? I welcome all input….and I wish you all a blessed day!!

Mountains, Giants and Holy Cows

Hello, my loves....first of all I want to let you know I'm back online (finally got WiFi!); so the Blogs will be much nicer looking, now! And I've fixed the ones that didn't look so great! LOL!!

I have, officially, been a citizen of Knoxville, TN for roughly three months....I signed my lease in December 2014, and spent the holidays with my youngest daughter and granddaughter; I only began occupying my apartment, in mid-January.

Can I shoot straight with you? I have something to confess. These last three months have been a roller coaster of obstacles, excuses and weakness....a lot of "mountains", "giants" and "holy cows". I haven't been walking my mission like I should be, and I'm sorry.

While my body adjusted to life in my new city, I began to feel severe pain in my hips, and legs. At times, it seemed that my body didn't want to move, at all...just like me, my limbs are rebellious and stubborn. The obstacle I need to overcome is the pain, because it keeps me from moving. The more I move, the less pain I'll be in; right?

Well, that will only work, if I stop letting the pain keep me in my chair. Some would say I was making a mountain out of a mole hill; and at times, I would have to agree with them. Even though the pain makes it difficult to move, I can still move! My problem is, instead of telling the mountain to move out of my way, I just sat here and stared at it.

Another issue I'm currently facing is that I'm still spending cash on food....I don't yet have my food stamp card, even though I applied for that, back in February. Enter the giants....all the excuses and procrastination I could muster.

There's a Family Dollar store directly behind my building; I plan to shop there, when I need things like toilet paper, feminine supplies, and stuff for my apartment. I didn't plan on buying food there, because all the food Family Dollar sells is processed junk! However, (warning...excuse in progress!) considering the amount of pain I was dealing with, and the fact that it stopped me from exploring Knoxville, buying junk is better than starving; I can always venture out, and shop at a real grocery store, once my body feels better!! See what I did, there?

No exercise (every street is either uphill or downhill) and a plethora of junk at my disposal....enter the holy cows; otherwise known as food addiction. DiGiorno Pizza, Velveeta Shells and Cheese, BirdsEye Voila meals, Ramen noodles, Chef Boyardee, etc. I know they all look super yummy....but none of these products is healthy! Please don't eat them!! I've stopped eating them, which is why I'm writing this Blog.

I've felt the impact of re-introducing those food-like products, to my digestive system, too.....my body has been screaming at me! Steadily, the pain got worse, my bowels aren't moving like they should be, and I'm feeling depressed. I'm not getting healthy!! And, I'm terrified; I'm reversing all the hard work I've already put in, and will end up back in the Chemo Chair, if I don't get a grip and get serious about my health!!

A friend of mine is allowing me to borrow a laptop, because mine broke; this friend as also supplied me with a handful of movies, in case I get bored (before I set up my Wifi). One of the movies I've watched is Facing the Giants. If you haven't seen it, I encourage you to do so! This movie spoke to me in ways I never thought were possible.

This is one of my favorite scenes....

The conviction to do our very best (despite the mountains, giants and holy cows) is what God is looking for....and I have failed Him more times than I care to count. This scene convicted me; honestly, the whole movie convicted me....but this scene made a powerful statement to my heart.

I was texting my oldest daughter, one afternoon, and she asked me how I was doing; I told her I was disappointed in myself. I had anticipated being further along in my "new life" than I was, and had become disgusted by the fact that I had slipped back into some old habits.

The Apostle Paul said, in Romans 7:14-20, he hated that he couldn't do right by God; he always seemed to give in to his sinful nature. I keep holding on to what God told my oldest daughter, the week I was diagnosed...He said I wasn't going to die from this disease, but it was going to be used for His glory.

It is NOT my intention to make God out to be a liar! But I know, if I don't get healthy and stop this disease from destroying the rest of my body, that's exactly what will happen....I'll die from breast cancer. And I'm the only one who can stop myself from eating things that will destroy my health.

So....now that I've fallen, again.....it's time to pick myself up off the ground, dust myself off, and keep believing I will be the person God wants me to be!

I will NOT accept defeat!!

Stardate 92610.14 (geek moment)

For those of you who are not familiar with all things Star Trek, I’ll translate the Stardate for you....today is January 3, 2015; and I woke up at 6:42am. I’m geeking out, only because I woke up!!!

Let me explain....

The day I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer, my doctor also said, “So...this is what you’ll die from.” I defied is claim; but later learned that, statistically speaking, the average survival rate is 2½ years. My loves.....that’s today; as of this day, it’s been 2½ years since I was diagnosed!!

AND I’M STILL ALIVE!!!

I’m in tears, as I praise God for the privilege of being alive, to share this with you. As many of you know, while I was in the hospital, having been newly diagnosed, my oldest daughter prayed for my healing. As she was praying, she was led to read John11:3-4 from her Bible. And I've been hanging onto that promise, every day.

According to the American Cancer Society,  the 5-year survival rate for Metastatic Breast Cancer (Stage 4) is 22%. I was never given an “expiration date”, so I fully intend to be one of those who survives well beyond the first 5 years. Bring it on!! LOL!

Another one of my favorite Bible verses is, Psalm 118:24; I will, indeed, rejoice in this day! Rejoice with me, my loves....it’s a new day, and we’re alive and well!

I hope you have a stellar day, today!!

HAPPY 2015!! New Year....new Blog post!!

Hi, again! My loves, I realize that it’s been several months since my last blog entry...I’m terribly sorry; I developed a severe case of writer's block, and could not pull out of it! As I’m writing this, it’s 4:07am (EST), New Year's Day.

On with the updates! I finally moved out of my sister and brother-in-law’s house....I have a tiny apartment in Knoxville, TN, now! Here are a few pictures...

Yes, my kitchen really IS that small! LOL! It’s perfect, though....just the right size for me! I've met some of my neighbors, and they seem to be pretty decent folks. My oldest daughter took me on a tour of Knoxville, a few days before I headed to Atlanta, GA to spend Christmas and New Year’s with my youngest daughter and granddaughter; I've been having such a great time, with them....I'm planning on staying most of this month.

As many of you know, I had a recurrence, mid-year, last year. I believe it’s gone, again; but, I won’t know for sure, until I line up a new set of doctors, when I get back to Knoxville. My new Oncologist will need to run tests, to see what needs to be done, if anything. As of right now, I’m going to believe that I am cancer free, once again!

I moved on December 17, 2014, after my last course of chemo was done. Coincidentally, my new adventure began, the day the last Hobbit movie was released in theaters, world-wide! I've always said I’m a Hobbit at heart, so now I have a timeline to prove it! LOL!!

This is where my life, truly begins....it’s just me, myself and I, now. For the first time, in my life, I’m on my own! No one to keep an itinerary for; no one to keep mine for me, either. No one to hold me accountable, except me; it’s time to go next level!! I’m truly excited to see what God has in store for me, this year!

At this moment (4:20am EST) I seem to be running out of steam....I've only had 3 hours of sleep, tonight. Y’all won’t mind if I stop here, and get some more rest, would you? I’ll pick up again, when I get up, later! Good night!

7:54am – Ok....that’s better! Good morning, my loves!

Now, back to my blog. Getting better acquainted with my granddaughter has been such a joy; she felt comfortable with me, soon after I got here (Christmas Day) and has been steadily warming up to me, more and more, each day. Last night, we had a breakthrough moment!

Whenever she gets scolded for doing something she’s not supposed to do, she apologizes with a kiss; she doesn't quite have the vocabulary skills, to verbally apologize, yet. I've been allowing her to carry my cell phone around, and push the buttons (she likes technology); she can’t call anyone, because the keypad is locked, so I let her play with it. Well, last night, she threw it behind the bed. She’s being taught that there are things you’re allowed to throw, and things you’re not allowed to throw....cell phones are not to be thrown.

Mommy scolded her for throwing Grammy’s cell phone, and Alice went to give Mommy a kiss, to apologize; Mommy told her to apologize to me, instead, and brought her to me. I looked her square in the face, told her that what she did to my phone was not nice.....and she kissed me! It was magical!!

Alice likes to play a variation of hide-and-seek; she gets behind Mommy, in her blind spot, and Mommy says, “Where’s da baby?” Alice’s response to that question is to step out from behind Mommy with a big smile on her face....and Mommy is glad to see her (“There you are!!”)  She has included me in the game, now....while she’s hiding behind Mommy, she’ll peek around and look at me, as if to ask if she’s doing it right. I love it!! It’s fun to trick Mommy! LOL!!

"There you are!!" (sorry for the blur!)

This little person is too smart, for her own good, too! She can talk....she just doesn't; Mommy says Alice’s Daddy was like that, when he was a baby, too. One day, she’ll decide it’s time to speak her mind...until then, she communicates in other ways. She knows how to share things she has possession of, as well; she hands them to you, if she wants to share them. She can high-five, and fist bump, too; it’s hysterical! And, I love watching her make decisions...the look on her face is just precious.

Alice even likes to tease me....I call out her name (“Aaaaalice!”), and she answers back, “mmh-mmh” (translation – “no I’m not!”) She thinks she’s very clever, when she teases me, like that! We both get a kick out of it, too! LOL!!

When I get back to my apartment, I’m going to get a proper ID, sign up for assistance (Medicaid and Food Stamps) and get the ball rolling on my new medical team. I’m also planning on joining the YMCA, and looking into vegetarian meet-up groups, so I can get acquainted with like-minded people. Which means I'll have more content for the Blog!

For now, I'm enjoying spending time with my family. I hope you're having an enjoyable day, as well!! God bless you, all!

Update Time!

I really don’t want to do this....do I have to face tomorrow? *ugh*

Sorry, everyone....I've not been in the best of moods, lately. Tomorrow was supposed to be a special day; not that I was going to celebrate it, but knowing that I can't vs not wanting to, is different. Tomorrow would have been mine and my late husband’s anniversary. Having been estranged from him, for our anniversary, last year, it would have been no big deal to treat this one like it was just another day, same as last time. But, knowing that he’s gone....I find myself wishing I could celebrate it; or just talk to him.

So, here I go again, with the sadness and anger stages of grieving. To be honest, I feel like blowing up at someone (or hitting them), just to feel some kind of release. I don’t like feeling this way...I’m generally a very mild-mannered and loving person! So, feeling this way is very uncomfortable to me....but, I don’t know what to do with it!

I even noticed, yesterday, that I had been grazing on cheese corn. I only wanted a little bit of it...just a couple handfuls; but, I ended up eating much more than I should have. It’s an old habit of mine; I was an emotional eater, for the longest time. Back in the day, any time life got a little difficult I’d reach for whatever junk food I could get, and stuff my face, until I felt better. I can’t let myself do that, anymore!!

I think one of the biggest issues I’m facing is the fact that regardless of what had broken us up, through the years, we always found our way back to each other, eventually; he and I had been “on again, off again” for 24 years. And now that he’s dead, I have to get to the point where I’m at peace with the fact that that’s not going to happen, anymore.

Father God, please help me deal with this pain...I honestly don’t want to feel this way, anymore!!

~~~~~

In other, happier, news....

My youngest daughter will be turning 21, on Saturday; we’re both very excited about that! And, not only is my granddaughter crawling, now; she has her first two teeth...the bottom front teeth have come in!! I’m a very proud Mamma and Grammy!

I love how baby girl is gnawing on my Bolthouse Farms drink bottle!
We tried to get her to put it down, but she refused to give it up! LOL!

Oh, I've also joined a fitness club, called Forever Fitness 24. I started last week, with the goal of becoming strong enough to stand for 2 hrs or more, because I’m going to see Def Leppard in August. I've been a fan of theirs for a very, very long time, and have never seen them, live; I want to enjoy the show!! Secondary goal...I’d like to be able to lose 50 lbs by then, as well....new wardrobe!! LOL!

I’ll also be taking Yoga and Zumba classes, as soon as I’m able to move a little more fluidly. Here are some of the machines I’m concentrating on....

The only CRUNCH I can handle!!

I swear, I could sit at this machine all day....I love it!!

Not looking for serious muscle...just want my arms
firm and toned.

Another one of my favorite machines!

Is it a press...or a row?? Either/or, it's working my shoulders!!

I sit this way, and turn around facing out, to do this
behind my neck, as well!

This is a LOT harder than it looks!! LOL!

My Oncologist is happy with my new fitness routine, and he said the exercise will help lower my blood pressure....it’s been a bit high, for a while now, and we’re both a bit concerned about that! I told him I refuse to take blood pressure medications, because I don’t want to be dependent on a prescription drug, for the rest of my life. He reluctantly ok’d that decision! LOL!!

There are much more healthy ways to lower blood pressure, and I intend to utilize those methods to keep mine in check.

• I don’t smoke....I don’t drink alcohol, either.
• I've changed a lot about my diet, in recent years (looking into changing it a bit more)
• I've begun a fitness routine
• I take supplements
• I don’t drink coffee that often (I prefer tea)
• I’ll be signing up for Yoga, soon (meditation and deep breathing are good measures to take in lowering your blood pressure)
• I don’t have the stress of a job at this time
• and I love listening to music!

I’m sure I’ll be just fine, without any medication! And, I’m researching natural ways to combat the blues, as well, so depression doesn't take control of me...because I truly don’t want to feel this sad and lonely, anymore!!

Stay healthy, and happy....and have a blessed day!! oxoxox

The Savvy Survivor - A New Chapter

First, I want to thank all of you for your love, prayers and support, since I announced the death of my estranged husband. It has, truly, meant a lot to me! One of my Twitter fans even said, as an encouragement, that now is the time for me to prove my title...The Savvy Survivor.

Typically, when I hit the emotional wall, like this, I would resort to binge eating, drinking alcohol, or smoking to cope with my nerves. I can’t do either of those, anymore...because they would do more harm, than good. So, I need to find another way to cope with this massive roller coaster of emotions I find myself on, at this time. A niece of mine, whom I’m very close to, suggested I vent in the form of a blog.

So, until I can function, again, as a normal human being, this blog will contain entries full of despair, confusion, grief, and anger, from time to time. Please bear with me, my loves...I pray I can breathe again, soon!

I met James two years out of high school...we had gone to the same high school, but ran with different crowds. The day we officially met, there was a connection almost immediately. And, even back then, we had some obstacles to overcome; he was often times, moody and distant, and I never could figure out why. The reasons he’d give me never made sense.

We broke up more times, during the 24 years we knew each other, than I can count! And, the only breakup that was my idea was the one that led to our divorce, back when our kids were little; the darkness he had allowed himself to get swallowed up by, had caused him to become violent, and I was genuinely afraid for me and the kids. I had no choice, but to leave.

Hardly anyone I know (family and friends), was able to understand why I kept getting back together with him...and our getting re-married blew everyone away! Some people even called me a fool. My family didn't like him, all that much, because of the way he treated me, when the darkness rolled in; what they still don’t understand, is that I knew him well enough to know the “asshole” behavior (pardon my use of terms) wasn't his fault...it wasn't intentional. I may have been the only one who could see that.

What was James' fault, was that he never sought help for this mental disease (I believe he was bipolar). He didn't want to be labeled “crazy”, so he never got tested for depression, or bipolar disorder, or anything of that nature. The only disease he got help for, was diabetes...it was a physical illness, not a mental one.

After we separated, this time, I found myself getting caught up in all the negative energy a few of my family members were sending out; he was being accused of plotting and scheming against me, and I joined in. How else would they see it, when James had convinced me to sign away the remaining child support he owed me, and then we fell apart (again)? I even questioned whether or not he ever loved me, at all....verbally, in an e-mail to him. And now, I wish I could tell him I know the truth; after speaking with a long-time friend of his, I know now, he really did love me. I'm sorry, I couldn't see it, then.

Why is it that we never really know someone, until after they’re gone?? I also found out from a conversation with my youngest daughter after she had contacted James' mother, he only abandoned me, when I told him I was diagnosed with breast cancer, because he didn't believe me...he and I weren't on good terms, at the time. I wish I had known that, then...I would have sent him my medical file.

If I could go back in time, to the day we met, and do it all again...I would. The only thing I would do differently is insist that he get help for his mental distress, and get on medication to control it, once I saw that breaking up had become a habit.

Knowing (now) how much he loved me, I could have shown him some tough love and not taken him back, until he got help....we would have avoided getting divorced, in the first place, if I had insisted back then. I’m sure it would have helped.

When it was good between me and James, it was SOOO good; but, when it was bad...it was just easier to hate each other. The emotional roller coaster he and I had been on, all those years, took its toll on our relationship, in the end. I know he loved me, as much as I loved him; but, the darkness that kept swallowing him up, always managed to build a wall between us. Until now, no matter how many time the darkness came between us, we managed to dig through the wall, and find our way back to each other.

This time, the darkness won.

And now, I find myself experiencing emotions I never knew I had; and ones I don’t want to feel! This morning, on my personal Facebook page, I made this statement, as if I were talking to James...

“It's been a week, since you took your life; and, even though, we weren't speaking to each other, I found a certain sense of peace knowing you were still out there....somewhere....being angry at me. What am I going to do, now??”

I’m lonely, and distressed; I feel empty and incomplete...angry, lost, guilty. And, I’m experiencing all of these emotions, and more, all at the same time; it’s dizzying! I saw a picture of James, from back in high school (senior photo), yesterday, and felt like I got punched in the gut!

I’m trying hard to focus on the good times James and I shared; but then I end up sobbing, hysterically, because the realization hits me...we’ll never have any more good times, together. Right now...I'd settle for an argument!

Father God, please help me get through this!!! Hold me in your arms, and help me to see that I will be alright, some day!!