Wow....I’m speechless! I just really don’t
know what to say, or where to go with this; so, I’ll just start by explaining
why I’m unable to think, at this moment.
I watched a video, by The Life Regenerator,
last night...and began to feel convicted. He said a lot of stuff about his own
journey, and how surrendering and getting real with himself, changed his life;
it was a powerful video!
And, while I was in worship, this morning, I
realized where that conviction was coming from; I’m not improving my health,
and I've begun to make excuses for why I do what I do, again. I know what I need to
do, but I don’t do it, consistently; I've gone back to just going through the
motions, and not truly holding myself accountable. Lord, empty me of me, so I
can be filled with YOU!!
In my revelation, this morning, I realized
that everything God had placed in my care is gone.
- My livelihood. I don’t have a job...and I’m
medically not allowed to work, anymore. My source of income is a monthly
Disability check, now; and it’s not all that big, either.
- My children. I’m
having to repair relationships with my three children, because I wasn't the
Mother they needed me to be, when I had the chance. Two of these repair jobs
are coming along, slowly; but the relationship I have with my son is strained,
at best. There’s a wall between us, and I can sense it every time he and I have
a conversation.
- My belongings....I used to have a lot of stuff! Yes, God expects
us to take care of our material possessions, as well! I don’t have much,
now...the bulk of my belongings ended up in a yard sale, held by a niece of
mine. What I have now, I've purchased since moving into my sister’s house.
- My
health!! I neglected and abused the body He gave me to live in, so much, I
almost lost that, too! And, here it is....a year and 6 months after I got
diagnosed, and I still struggle with “what’s the convenient thing to do?” I've even heard myself think “I only get xx amount in food stamps; I can’t afford to
go vegetarian/vegan!!” Really?? Most of what I eat, is convenience food...the very
lifestyle that caused the disease, in the first place! Can I afford to die??
My sister told me, she’s not willing to alter
her life to accommodate me...at first that hurt my feelings. My thought was, “I
don’t EXPECT her to, but it would be nice!” Who am I kidding?? At this
point, I haven’t even altered my own life to accommodate myself!! How can I want
someone to do something, I’m not willing to do for myself?
I remember a conversation I had, with my Physical
Therapist, a few weeks ago. I was talking to her about The Savvy Survivor
Facebook page, and how difficult it is to live that persona; she understood... “You've got all the knowledge, you’re just having trouble putting it into practice!”
Yes...that’s exactly right! I’m still letting
my human self dictate what happens, in my life; instead of relying on God’s
wisdom, and surrendering to His will! Which seems to be the biggest stumbling
block I've encountered, in my life as a Believer!
How is it that I can love God with all my
heart, soul and strength...but not with my mind?? My mind is where my excuses
come from; that’s where my human self still lives! The Bible says, in Luke10:27, we must “love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all
your strength, and all your mind.’ And, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.” If I
can’t love Him with everything I am (including my mind), I can’t love my
neighbor as myself, either. Which means, what I teach you in my Blogs and on
Facebook, loses its value...because I’m not the “Savvy Survivor” I should be!
I continue to repent, every time I realize I've screwed up; but, my apologies won’t mean a whole lot, if I keep doing the
things I’m apologizing for! I’m so thankful that His mercies are new, every
morning...I certainly don’t deserve mercy, but I’m grateful for it!
I don’t want to lose you!! I appreciate
your support and encouragement! You've become an intimate part of my support system. But, if I don’t get my head out of my butt, it won’t take long before you won't care what I have to share with you; and I will lose you, as
well. If I haven’t, already.
My Pastor once said that God isn't the type
to take your income away, just because you decide not to tithe. At the time I
heard this, I had just lost a job...shortly after deciding not to tithe; I had used the money for something else. Sorry, Pastor...but if God is the same
yesterday, today and forever, He most certain DOES remove the things we don’t
care for, properly.
And, I know, some of you are thinking “that’s pretty cruel
of Him!” and you’re right....but how many of you lost things your parents gave
you, when you were growing up, because you got grounded for breaking the rules??
Same principle, folks! Now, He’s not going to force us to follow the rules; but
when we don’t, there are consequences.
God will make us the overseer of quite a bit,
while we’re here, on earth...but it doesn't take much for Him to remove those responsibilities from us, when we fail to take them seriously.
I stand (figuratively speaking) before you, a broken and defeated human; but, I'm wide awake, now. I ask you to forgive my hypocrisy, and my failures. This “SavvySurvivor” will become the leader God has commissioned her to be, one way or
another!! Please be patient with me, as I humbly begin the journey back to
myself. I have a hard battle ahead of me...regaining control of my thoughts;
but, if I am to be the person God made me to be, I better get real with myself!
Be on the lookout for changes in me, my
loves! The Bible says you know a true Believer by the fruit they bear (Matthew 7:15-20). In other
words, I should be living the life I preach about, and showing you the benefits of that lifestyle.
I will keep you informed, as my
body and mind line up with what God expects of me. As a
Child of the Most High God, it is my responsibility to properly care for the
body He gave me to live in, on earth.
And so....it begins. (again)
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| God, please help me learn this one!! |
