I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer, in July 2012. Not being one to solely rely on conventional medicine, I researched natural ways to beat it. In this Blog, I will share my journey with you.
Hello, my loves....first of all I want to let you know I'm back online (finally got WiFi!); so the Blogs will be much nicer looking, now! And I've fixed the ones that didn't look so great! LOL!!
I have, officially, been a citizen of Knoxville, TN for roughly three months....I signed my lease in December 2014, and spent the holidays with my youngest daughter and granddaughter; I only began occupying my apartment, in mid-January.
Can I shoot straight with you? I have something to confess. These last three months have been a roller coaster of obstacles, excuses and weakness....a lot of "mountains", "giants" and "holy cows". I haven't been walking my mission like I should be, and I'm sorry. While my body adjusted to life in my new city, I began to feel severe pain in my hips, and legs. At times, it seemed that my body didn't want to move, at all...just like me, my limbs are rebellious and stubborn. The obstacle I need to overcome is the pain, because it keeps me from moving. The more I move, the less pain I'll be in; right?
Well, that will only work, if I stop letting the pain keep me in my chair. Some would say I was making a mountain out of a mole hill; and at times, I would have to agree with them. Even though the pain makes it difficult to move, I can still move! My problem is, instead of telling the mountain to move out of my way, I just sat here and stared at it. Another issue I'm currently facing is that I'm still spending cash on food....I don't yet have my food stamp card, even though I applied for that, back in February. Enter the giants....all the excuses and procrastination I could muster.
There's a Family Dollar store directly behind my building; I plan to shop there, when I need things like toilet paper, feminine supplies, and stuff for my apartment. I didn't plan on buying food there, because all the food Family Dollar sells is processed junk! However, (warning...excuse in progress!) considering the amount of pain I was dealing with, and the fact that it stopped me from exploring Knoxville, buying junk is better than starving; I can always venture out, and shop at a real grocery store, once my body feels better!! See what I did, there? No exercise (every street is either uphill or downhill) and a plethora of junk at my disposal....enter the holy cows; otherwise known as food addiction. DiGiorno Pizza, Velveeta Shells and Cheese, BirdsEye Voila meals, Ramen noodles, Chef Boyardee, etc. I know they all look super yummy....but none of these products is healthy! Please don't eat them!! I've stopped eating them, which is why I'm writing this Blog.
I've felt the impact of re-introducing those food-like products, to my digestive system, too.....my body has been screaming at me! Steadily, the pain got worse, my bowels aren't moving like they should be, and I'm feeling depressed. I'm not getting healthy!! And, I'm terrified; I'm reversing all the hard work I've already put in, and will end up back in the Chemo Chair, if I don't get a grip and get serious about my health!! A friend of mine is allowing me to borrow a laptop, because mine broke; this friend as also supplied me with a handful of movies, in case I get bored (before I set up my Wifi). One of the movies I've watched is Facing the Giants. If you haven't seen it, I encourage you to do so! This movie spoke to me in ways I never thought were possible. This is one of my favorite scenes....
The conviction to do our very best (despite the mountains, giants and holy cows) is what God is looking for....and I have failed Him more times than I care to count. This scene convicted me; honestly, the whole movie convicted me....but this scene made a powerful statement to my heart. I was texting my oldest daughter, one afternoon, and she asked me how I was doing; I told her I was disappointed in myself. I had anticipated being further along in my "new life" than I was, and had become disgusted by the fact that I had slipped back into some old habits. The Apostle Paul said, in Romans 7:14-20, he hated that he couldn't do right by God; he always seemed to give in to his sinful nature. I keep holding on to what God told my oldest daughter, the week I was diagnosed...He said I wasn't going to die from this disease, but it was going to be used for His glory.
It is NOT my intention to make God out to be a liar! But I know, if I don't get healthy and stop this disease from destroying the rest of my body, that's exactly what will happen....I'll die from breast cancer. And I'm the only one who can stop myself from eating things that will destroy my health. So....now that I've fallen, again.....it's time to pick myself up off the ground, dust myself off, and keep believing I will be the person God wants me to be!
First,
I want to thank all of you for your love, prayers and support, since I
announced the death of my estranged husband. It has, truly, meant a lot to me!
One of my Twitter fans even said, as an encouragement, that now is the time for me to prove my title...The
Savvy Survivor.
Typically,
when I hit the emotional wall, like this, I would resort to binge eating,
drinking alcohol, or smoking to cope with my nerves. I can’t do either of
those, anymore...because they would do more harm, than good. So, I need to find
another way to cope with this massive roller coaster of emotions I find myself
on, at this time. A niece of mine, whom I’m very close to, suggested I vent in
the form of a blog.
So,
until I can function, again, as a normal human being, this blog will contain
entries full of despair, confusion, grief, and anger, from time to time. Please bear with me, my loves...I pray I can breathe again, soon!
I
met James two years out of high school...we had gone to the same high school,
but ran with different crowds. The day we officially met, there was a
connection almost immediately. And, even back then, we had some obstacles to
overcome; he was often times, moody and distant, and I never could figure out
why. The reasons he’d give me never made sense.
We broke up more times, during
the 24 years we knew each other, than I can count! And, the only
breakup that was my idea was the one that led to our divorce, back when our kids were little; the
darkness he had allowed himself to get swallowed up by, had caused him to
become violent, and I was genuinely afraid for me and the kids. I had no choice, but to leave.
Hardly
anyone I know (family and friends), was able to understand why I kept getting back
together with him...and our getting re-married blew everyone away! Some people even called me a fool. My family didn't like him, all that much, because of the
way he treated me, when the darkness rolled in; what they still don’t
understand, is that I knew him well enough to know the “asshole” behavior
(pardon my use of terms) wasn't his fault...it wasn't intentional. I may have been the only one who could see that.
What was James' fault, was that he never sought help for this mental disease (I believe he was
bipolar). He didn't want to be labeled “crazy”, so he never got tested for
depression, or bipolar disorder, or anything of that nature. The only disease he got help for, was diabetes...it was a physical illness, not a mental one.
After
we separated, this time, I found myself getting caught up in all the negative
energy a few of my family members were sending out; he was being accused of
plotting and scheming against me, and I joined in. How else would they see it,
when James had convinced me to sign away the remaining child support he owed
me, and then we fell apart (again)? I even questioned whether or
not he ever loved me, at all....verbally, in an e-mail to him. And now, I wish I could tell him I know the
truth; after speaking with a long-time friend of his, I know now, he really did love me. I'm sorry, I couldn't see it, then.
Why is it that we never really know
someone, until after they’re gone?? I also found out from a conversation with my youngest daughter after she had contacted James' mother, he only abandoned me, when I told him I was
diagnosed with breast cancer, because he didn't believe me...he and I weren't on good
terms, at the time. I wish I had known that, then...I would have sent him my
medical file.
If
I could go back in time, to the day we met, and do it all again...I would. The
only thing I would do differently is insist that he get help for his mental
distress, and get on medication to control it, once I saw that breaking up had become a habit.
Knowing (now) how much he loved
me, I could have shown him some tough love and not taken him back, until he got
help....we would have avoided getting divorced, in the first place, if I had
insisted back then. I’m sure it would have helped.
When
it was good between me and James, it was SOOO good; but, when it was bad...it
was just easier to hate each other. The emotional roller coaster he and I had
been on, all those years, took its toll on our relationship, in the end. I know
he loved me, as much as I loved him; but, the darkness that kept swallowing him
up, always managed to build a wall between us. Until now, no matter how many
time the darkness came between us, we managed to dig through the wall, and find
our way back to each other.
This
time, the darkness won.
And
now, I find myself experiencing emotions I never knew I had; and ones I don’t
want to feel! This morning, on my personal Facebook page, I made this
statement, as if I were talking to James...
“It's
been a week, since you took your life; and, even though, we weren't speaking to
each other, I found a certain sense of peace knowing you were still out there....somewhere....being
angry at me. What am I going to do, now??”
I’m
lonely, and distressed; I feel empty and incomplete...angry, lost, guilty. And, I’m
experiencing all of these emotions, and more, all at the same time; it’s
dizzying! I saw a picture of James, from back in high school (senior photo), yesterday, and felt like I got punched in the gut!
I’m trying hard to focus on the good times James and I shared; but
then I end up sobbing, hysterically, because the realization hits me...we’ll
never have any more good times, together. Right now...I'd settle for an argument!
Father
God, please help me get through this!!! Hold me in your arms, and help me to
see that I will be alright, some day!!
Wow....I’m speechless! I just really don’t
know what to say, or where to go with this; so, I’ll just start by explaining
why I’m unable to think, at this moment.
I watched a video, by The Life Regenerator,
last night...and began to feel convicted. He said a lot of stuff about his own
journey, and how surrendering and getting real with himself, changed his life;
it was a powerful video!
And, while I was in worship, this morning, I
realized where that conviction was coming from; I’m not improving my health,
and I've begun to make excuses for why I do what I do, again. I know what I need to
do, but I don’t do it, consistently; I've gone back to just going through the
motions, and not truly holding myself accountable. Lord, empty me of me, so I
can be filled with YOU!!
In my revelation, this morning, I realized
that everything God had placed in my care is gone.
My livelihood. I don’t have a job...and I’m
medically not allowed to work, anymore. My source of income is a monthly
Disability check, now; and it’s not all that big, either.
My children. I’m
having to repair relationships with my three children, because I wasn't the
Mother they needed me to be, when I had the chance. Two of these repair jobs
are coming along, slowly; but the relationship I have with my son is strained,
at best. There’s a wall between us, and I can sense it every time he and I have
a conversation.
My belongings....I used to have a lot of stuff! Yes, God expects
us to take care of our material possessions, as well! I don’t have much,
now...the bulk of my belongings ended up in a yard sale, held by a niece of
mine. What I have now, I've purchased since moving into my sister’s house.
My
health!! I neglected and abused the body He gave me to live in, so much, I
almost lost that, too! And, here it is....a year and 6 months after I got
diagnosed, and I still struggle with “what’s the convenient thing to do?” I've even heard myself think “I only get xx amount in food stamps; I can’t afford to
go vegetarian/vegan!!” Really?? Most of what I eat, is convenience food...the very
lifestyle that caused the disease, in the first place! Can I afford to die??
My sister told me, she’s not willing to alter
her life to accommodate me...at first that hurt my feelings. My thought was, “I
don’t EXPECT her to, but it would be nice!” Who am I kidding?? At this
point, I haven’t even altered my own life to accommodate myself!! How can I want
someone to do something, I’m not willing to do for myself?
I remember a conversation I had, with my Physical
Therapist, a few weeks ago. I was talking to her about The Savvy Survivor
Facebook page, and how difficult it is to live that persona; she understood... “You've got all the knowledge, you’re just having trouble putting it into practice!”
Yes...that’s exactly right! I’m still letting
my human self dictate what happens, in my life; instead of relying on God’s
wisdom, and surrendering to His will! Which seems to be the biggest stumbling
block I've encountered, in my life as a Believer!
How is it that I can love God with all my
heart, soul and strength...but not with my mind?? My mind is where my excuses
come from; that’s where my human self still lives! The Bible says, in Luke10:27, we must “love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all
your strength, and all your mind.’ And, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.” If I
can’t love Him with everything I am (including my mind), I can’t love my
neighbor as myself, either. Which means, what I teach you in my Blogs and on
Facebook, loses its value...because I’m not the “Savvy Survivor” I should be!
I continue to repent, every time I realize I've screwed up; but, my apologies won’t mean a whole lot, if I keep doing the
things I’m apologizing for! I’m so thankful that His mercies are new, every
morning...I certainly don’t deserve mercy, but I’m grateful for it!
I don’t want to lose you!! I appreciate
your support and encouragement! You've become an intimate part of my support system. But, if I don’t get my head out of my butt, it won’t take long before you won't care what I have to share with you; and I will lose you, as
well. If I haven’t, already.
My Pastor once said that God isn't the type
to take your income away, just because you decide not to tithe. At the time I
heard this, I had just lost a job...shortly after deciding not to tithe; I had used the money for something else. Sorry, Pastor...but if God is the same
yesterday, today and forever, He most certain DOES remove the things we don’t
care for, properly.
And, I know, some of you are thinking “that’s pretty cruel
of Him!” and you’re right....but how many of you lost things your parents gave
you, when you were growing up, because you got grounded for breaking the rules??
Same principle, folks! Now, He’s not going to force us to follow the rules; but
when we don’t, there are consequences.
God will make us the overseer of quite a bit,
while we’re here, on earth...but it doesn't take much for Him to remove those responsibilities from us, when we fail to take them seriously.
I stand (figuratively speaking) before you, a broken and defeated human; but, I'm wide awake, now. I ask you to forgive my hypocrisy, and my failures. This “SavvySurvivor” will become the leader God has commissioned her to be, one way or
another!! Please be patient with me, as I humbly begin the journey back to
myself. I have a hard battle ahead of me...regaining control of my thoughts;
but, if I am to be the person God made me to be, I better get real with myself!
Be on the lookout for changes in me, my
loves! The Bible says you know a true Believer by the fruit they bear (Matthew 7:15-20). In other
words, I should be living the life I preach about, and showing you the benefits of that lifestyle.
I will keep you informed, as my
body and mind line up with what God expects of me. As a
Child of the Most High God, it is my responsibility to properly care for the
body He gave me to live in, on earth.
Mark16:5-7 when they entered the tomb, they saw a young man clothed in a white robe
sitting on the right side. The women were shocked, but the angel said, “Don’t
be alarmed. You are looking for Jesus of Nazareth, who was crucified. He isn't here! He is risen from the dead! Look, this is where they laid His body. Now go
and tell His disciples, including Peter, that Jesus is going ahead of you to
Galilee. You will see him there, just as he told you before he died.”
As
I reflect on what this day means to me, I’m reminded of the moment I received
the gift of salvation that Jesus bought for us. I was raised in a Christian
home, but lost my interest when my Dad died; I was 13 years old, then. I told
God I wasn't interested in serving a God who would steal a little girl’s daddy
away from her. I didn't know much, then; I now know, my Dad wanted to go…he had
been sick for so long (diabetes, heart disease, high blood pressure and high cholesterol), and he just wanted relief. I believe he’s in Heaven, and
I’ll see him when I get there.
After
I had walked away from God, I spent the next 18 years of my life, living for
myself and struggling to maintain a sense of normalcy. I became a wild child!
In today’s society, those children aren't looked down upon by many. They drink, do drugs, have sex with multiple partners, party too
much, cuss at everyone and about everything; they’re disrespectful, rude,
selfish, and spiteful. But, sadly, that’s the norm, these days….they’re just
kids. I was one of them, back in the 80's and 90's, and my life was going
nowhere, fast!
Fast
forward to the year 2000. At the time I was reacquainted with God, I was living
in a homeless shelter, and my two younger children were in Foster Care; my
oldest daughter was living with her Dad. The powers that be were telling me I’d
never see the two who were in Foster Care, again. I’m still not saved, at this
time, so I believed what I saw, heard, felt, tasted, and touched. It was the
lowest point in my life…no matter how hard I struggled to get back on my feet,
the voices of reason were telling me it was hopeless. And, I was losing the
will to fight.
While
I was a resident of that shelter, I met a lady who was down on her luck; as a
result of her misfortune, she became a resident, as well. She was a firm
believer in God, and taught me about Jesus. She laid hands on people and made
them well, when they were sick; she even gave one lady peace enough to cause
her to sleep for 12 hours, after being awake for 4 days, straight. Every time
she touched someone’s life, she’d say “In Jesus’ name!”, and she stood firm on
the belief that God was going to make things right for all of us! I’d witnessed
God’s power, and decided that wanted that in my life; she told me the only way
to live in the power of the Holy Spirit was to get saved, and allow the Spirit
to guide you.
I
gave myself to Him, without hesitation! It was a moment, I can honestly
describe in the words of Van Halen’s song, "Love Walks In"…
Contact
is all it takes To
change your life to lose your place in time Contact!
Asleep or awake Coming
around you may wake up to find Questions
deep within your eyes, Things
you've never realized
[Chorus:]So
when you sense a change Nothing
feels the same All
your dreams are strange, love comes walkin' in Some
kind of alien Wait
for the opening
Simply pulls a string…Love comes walkin’ in
A
huge weight was lifted off my shoulders! I could BREATHE!! Everything looked
different, too…the sky was bluer, the clouds were fluffier, the sun was
brighter; and the birds sounded better, too! In prayer, the night I got saved, God
told me to stop listening to the voices telling me I’d never see my kids again…He
said I’d get them back. He was right!! Not only did I get my kids back, I got a
job and a place for us to live! This Child of God was loving her life, once
again!!
Since
becoming a Believer, however, I have had moments where I've done things my own way,
instead of the way God wants me to do; and those moments have always resulted
in loss, confusion and a human struggle I could barely survive. The Bible warns
us not to do things our way…
Proverbs 3:5-6 (NLT) Trust in the Lord with all your
heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do,
and he will show you which path to take.
I guess my wild child habits were hard
to break! LOL!!
The
latest realization of this, being my recent diagnosis. I was supposed to begin
eating as a flexitarian about nine years ago; God kept prompting me to change
my diet, and only eat certain things; but, I always treated those moments as a
time of fasting, rather than a lifestyle change. It was during this time that I
got heavy into soy products, as well. Not listening to God’s instructions about
my eating habits for that long, I’m now in the fight of my life…for my life!
Lesson learned, trust me!!
With
that said, I’d like to explain a little about what this day is all about. Jesus
told Nicodemus, who was a Teacher of the Law of Moses, that in order to get to
Heaven, we must be born again; and He explained what that meant, because
Nicodemus was a little confused about it.
John3:1-17 (NLT) There was a man named Nicodemus, a Jewish religious leader who was
a Pharisee. 2 After dark one evening, he came to speak with Jesus. “Rabbi,” he
said, “we all know that God has sent you to teach us. Your miraculous signs are
evidence that God is with you.”
3
Jesus replied, “I tell you the truth, unless you are born again, you cannot see
the Kingdom of God.”
4
“What do you mean?” exclaimed Nicodemus. “How can an old man go back into His
mother’s womb and be born again?”
5
Jesus replied, “I assure you, no one can enter the Kingdom of God without being
born of water and the Spirit. 6 Humans can reproduce only human life, but the
Holy Spirit gives birth to spiritual life. 7 So don’t be surprised when I say,
‘You must be born again.’ 8 The wind blows wherever it wants. Just as you can
hear the wind but can’t tell where it comes from or where it is going, so you
can’t explain how people are born of the Spirit.”
9
“How are these things possible?” Nicodemus asked.
10
Jesus replied, “You are a respected Jewish teacher, and yet you don’t
understand these things? 11 I assure you, we tell you what we know and have
seen, and yet you won’t believe our testimony. 12 But if you don’t believe me
when I tell you about earthly things, how can you possibly believe if I tell
you about heavenly things? 13 No one has ever gone to heaven and returned. But
the Son of Man has come down from heaven. 14 And as Moses lifted up the bronze
snake on a pole in the wilderness, so the Son of Man must be lifted up, 15 so
that everyone who believes in him will have eternal life.
16
“For God loved the world so much that he gave His one and only Son, so that
everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life. 17 God sent
His Son into the world not to judge the world, but to save the world through
him.
When
we surrender ourselves to God, and receive the gift that Jesus bought us, by
way of His death on the cross and resurrection from the dead, we are born-again
(or saved); we will be the ones going to Heaven, when we die. There is no
preparation necessary for this moment; you don’t have to “clean up your act”, start
going to church, give to charity, or anything. You just simply need to want
what Jesus bought of you. Life will still be life, and at times it will be
difficult…but having God on your side makes even the difficult moments, easier
to navigate!
Let
me back you up a little, and explain WHY we need to receive the gift of
salvation…Romans 5:12-21 explains it pretty clearly:
Romans5:12-21 (NLT) When Adam sinned, sin entered the world. Adam’s sin brought
death, so death spread to everyone, for everyone sinned. 13 Yes, people sinned
even before the law was given. But it was not counted as sin because there was
not yet any law to break. 14 Still, everyone died—from the time of Adam to the
time of Moses—even those who did not disobey an explicit commandment of God, as
Adam did. Now Adam is a symbol, a representation of Christ, who was yet to
come. 15 But there is a great difference between Adam’s sin and God’s gracious
gift. For the sin of this one man, Adam, brought death to many. But even
greater is God’s wonderful grace and His gift of forgiveness to many through this
other man, Jesus Christ. 16 And the result of God’s gracious gift is very
different from the result of that one man’s sin. For Adam’s sin led to
condemnation, but God’s free gift leads to our being made right with God, even
though we are guilty of many sins. 17 For the sin of this one man, Adam, caused
death to rule over many. But even greater is God’s wonderful grace and His gift
of righteousness, for all who receive it will live in triumph over sin and
death through this one man, Jesus Christ.
18
Yes, Adam’s one sin brings condemnation for everyone, but Christ’s one act of
righteousness brings a right relationship with God and new life for everyone.
19 Because one person disobeyed God, many became sinners. But because one other
person obeyed God, many will be made righteous.
20
God’s law was given so that all people could see how sinful they were. But as
people sinned more and more, God’s wonderful grace became more abundant. 21 So
just as sin ruled over all people and brought them to death, now God’s
wonderful grace rules instead, giving us right standing with God and resulting
in eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.
And,
Paul mentions the purpose of Jesus’ crucifixion and resurrection, in his letter
to the church at Corinth, in 2 Corinthians 5:15-17…. "He died for everyone so
that those who receive His new life will no longer live for themselves.
Instead, they will live for Christ, who died and was raised for them. 16 So we
have stopped evaluating others from a human point of view. At one time we
thought of Christ merely from a human point of view. How differently we know
him now! 17 This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new
person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!"
I
have been a new person, since the year 2000…it’s about time I acted like it!!
LOL! I do regret not living as that new person, until now; but the Bible says
God can turn anything in something good for those who love Him.
Romans8:28 (NLT) And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good
of those who love God and are called according to His purpose for them.
And,
He has…as a result of my decisions, and my recent diagnosis, I have the chance
to get to know you! I've been given a great responsibility to not only share my
story, and guide you to a healthier life, through proper nutrition…but, also to
share Jesus with you! He truly is The Way, The Truth, and The Life (John 14:6).
I
realize now, how much more complete my life is with Him. As I surrender myself
to Him, daily, and learn to listen to God’s instruction, I am blessed more and
more. It’s true, my life isn’t all that great…I have a terminal illness. I’m
going to die, some day. But, while I live out the rest of my life, I will live
for Him; and I’ve discovered that life isn’t all that bad, after all! LOL!!
Please
consider receiving the gift of salvation that Jesus bought for you. I would
love to see you in Heaven, some day! Don’t worry about not meeting me, in our
human forms…we’ll recognize each other, there!
Let
me also encourage you to watch The Passion of the Christ. It’s an account of
what Jesus went through, the last few days of his life…and in giving Himself up
for us. You'll want to turn the captions on, because the movie was done in Aramaic (I think). It is a bit graphic, as well; but, that only serves to drive the point home. He
went through physical Hell, being beaten and hung on the cross; and then descended
into Hell, itself, to beat Satan and free us from ourselves! There was an
earthquake, as soon as Jesus died…I believe that was everyone who was in Hell,
running for the door, when Jesus came in and asked, “Who wants to go Home with
me?” LOL!!
Some
scientists say they believe that this particular earthquake was global, and
that it was responsible for creating all of the fault lines we now know about.
The Bible does say the earth shook…
Matthew27:51-54 (NLT) At that moment the curtain in the sanctuary of the Temple was
torn in two, from top to bottom. The earth shook, rocks split apart, 52 and
tombs opened. The bodies of many godly men and women who had died were raised
from the dead. 53 They left the cemetery after Jesus’ resurrection, went into
the holy city of Jerusalem, and appeared to many people.
54
The Roman officer and the other soldiers at the crucifixion were terrified by
the earthquake and all that had happened. They said, “This man truly was the
Son of God!”
He
is the Son of God; He loves you, and He wants you to know Him better…give Him the
chance to transform you into a new person, today! And, don’t worry if you screw
up…just ask for forgiveness, and put it behind you!
I've been asked by Suzan St. Maur to discuss how I broke the news of my diagnosis to my children. It wasn't easy, but they made it through the initial blow. All of my children are grown. My oldest daughter is 25 yrs old, married, and living in Alcoa, Tennessee. My son is 22, and lives in Canton, OH. And my youngest daughter is 19, and living in near Atlanta, Georgia (and she's due to give birth to my 1st Grandchild, in July!); although, she was visiting me in Alliance, OH, when I was newly diagnosed.....July 3, 2012. I was living in Alliance, to help a niece of mine build her new business; she owns a small cafe', and has only been in business for a couple years, now. I lived above the cafe', and helped out in the kitchen and with the customers...I basically did everything she did. It was during this time that my body began to shut down...I lost all feeling from my waist to my knees, and was having difficulty moving around. And boy, was I in PAIN!! My youngest daughter was visiting me, at this time, and I finally decided it was time to find out what was going on with my body. She helped me get dressed; and then she helped me walk down a flight of steps, and out to the bus stop. The bus driver was great, too...he put the wheelchair lift down for me, so I wouldn't have to walk up the steps to get in! The ride to the local hospital was agony!! When there's something wrong with your back, bus rides and ambulance rides are NO FUN!! LOL! In the ER, at Alliance Community Hospital, they took x-rays and blood tests (my vitals were good). And, after a while a doctor came in and broke the news...in front of my little girl (I know...19 isn't so little, but still)!! He said he believed it was Multiple Myeloma, because the tumors he saw were attached to my vertebrae. I remained calm, but my poor daughter just about hyperventilated! Mommy's dying??? No..."relax, honey...it's just a few 'blobs'. The doctor's will know how to get them out of me, and I'll be fine!" I didn't like having to down play what was happening, but she literally looked like she was about to have a heart attack, after the doctor revealed his findings! I was swept away to Akron General Medical Center, because the hospital in Alliance was not equipped to deal with what I was presumed to have; Akron General has a stellar cancer team, and all the necessary equipment to properly diagnose me! My youngest daughter came with me, to Akron, as well. More tests...x-rays, CAT Scan, MRI (not fun!), blood work, etc. The Oncologist I was assigned to is a doll (honestly, my whole team was!) He introduced himself to both of us, and talked to both of us about what he discovered; I think my daughter felt better, once she was included in on conversation. He said there were tumors all over my ribs, up and down my spine, and in my hips...but he thinks it's breast cancer. He also told me that my 5th lumbar vertebrae was all but destroyed, so I was going to need surgery to remove it. I watched her face, as all of this was being explained to us. Her head was spinning, but the look in her eyes was what I focused on the most..."I don't care what you have to do, just don't let my Mommy die!" Watching her world crumble down around her, was harder to handle than being told I had cancer. After all of this had settled in, she called her sister, and broke the news; my niece (owner of the cafe') told my son...he was staying at her house, at the time. They all came to the hospital to see me, too! The looks on their faces weren't any more uplifting, than my youngest daughter's. It took me a while to get up the courage to tell everyone to stop looking at me like I'm already dead. I couldn't stand that look in their eyes...not just my children's faces, but my whole family!! As I discussed things with my older two (two separate occasions) they became more at ease with the whole deal. I told them what the diagnosis was, and what the doctor said my treatment plan would include....surgery, chemo, and possibly radiation. I had very nice visits with all my kids! The mammogram, and biopsy, confirmed that it was indeed Stage 4 Breast Cancer; I had a massive tumor in my left breast; and tumors of varied sizes in the lymph nodes of my left arm pit, as well as all the way down my spinal column (from my neck to my tailbone), and in my ribs and hips. And, I maintained, (to all three of my children) that they're just 'blobs' and I'll be fine. It's been 8 months, since my diagnosis....they are still just blobs, and they're almost gone!! My children are all back in their own environments, now. My oldest daughter, while visiting me, not only prayed over me...she also prayed, privately, and received a Word from the Lord that I wasn't going to die (John 11:3-4 NIV); so, every time I update them on my progress, we do the Happy Dance, together; and give God the praise He deserves! LOL!!
I shared this with my Facebook friends, shortly after being diagnosed...it's my story, from another angle. I called it "Transformation"...
"As all of you know, by now, I'm dealing with a diagnosis of Stage 4 Breast Cancer; this is the terminal stage. I hate that word...terminal. Life, itself, is terminal; the day we were born, we begin to die! Some of us have been dying longer than others, but we're all dying. And, yes, it is a shame that diseases such as cancer have the potential to speed up that process.
Now, don't freak out....I'm not on my death bed! I'm stronger, now, than I was before being told I even had cancer! And I will fight with everything I am to beat this disease! I am determined to lean on the Lord for my strength, courage, and determination, so that the next 50 years of my life are God-glorifying and personally satisfying! The Bible say that God promises us a long and satisfying life....well, at the age of 42, I'm certainly NOT satisfied!!
I wanted to talk to you about the journey that brought me to this point, in my life....is that ok? I grew up learning how to do things "my way", because no one else would show me any better way. I've made gastronomically huge mistakes, which altered the lives of those I love (sorry kids!), and I became a rebellious, "devil may care" person....especially with my health. Throughout my life, I've been told to watch what I eat; my Dad was a Diabetic, and passed away when I was only 13 years old. But I didn't care...I was going to do as I pleased, and eat as I pleased. I was young....what was I going to die from???
On into my adult years, I continued to do/say/eat as I pleased. At my heaviest, I weighed nearly 300 lbs! Large pizza's with tons of toppings all to myself, gallons of ice cream, snack cakes at various times of the day (every day), convenience foods (microwave meals, etc) and fast food were my staples...I didn't care what I ate, I just ate it! And I was really not a fan of exercise, so I played the martyr and did just enough to impress anyone who might have been watching me.
Even after giving my life to the Lord, I still held on to the idea that my way of doing things was good enough. God would lay something on my heart, and I would only do it until I was ok with the outcome....or until someone praised my efforts. No consistency in my obedience to Him, at all!
He would unction me to fast....no meat, no dairy, and no processed grains. Ok....but for how long? I always chose the time frame, so God was constantly bringing me back to it, time and time again. I even asked Him if He was trying to get me to do this as an every-day lifestyle....the answer was "yes!", and I promised to get to it, eventually.
This was not the only area where my way seemed do-able.....personal life, finances, etc. You name it, I did it leaning on my own understanding; Proverbs 3:5-6 cautions against that...we're supposed to trust that God knows what's best.
As a result of my decisions, I have been through some serious life-altering experiences, for the last few months. I can't count how many times I've heard, "now, don't blame yourself...you didn't cause this".
Actually, folks....I DID cause this to happen, because I neglected myself for so many years. But, I'm not depressed about it, and I'm not beating myself up about it....I'm accepting responsibility for what I caused, and I'm doing what's necessary to fix it. Including a sincere and desperate moment of repentance!
I apologized to God from the very depth of my soul, because I had neglected the upkeep of His temple (my body). 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 tells us that we are the Temple of the Holy Spirit,and no longer belong to ourselves...but to God.
Everything that I did, while leaning on my own understanding and not trusting God, proved that I still believed I belonged to myself. I'm so thankful that He's such a patient and forgiving Father!! LOL! I think I'd be miserable if He wasn't!
And so, here I am....no job, no finances, nowhere to call home (thanks Kim and Deborah Ochsenbein...(my brother-in-law & sister) for letting me stay with you, for the time being!), etc. I've likened my current situation to that of Job's hardships....he lost everything, too. His health was even in question for a while....but he never stopped praising God. When Job's hardships were over, God restored him and blessed him with double what he had lost, in terms of homes, finances, family, etc.
Each and every day that I am blessed to wake up, I will praise the Name of the Lord! I survived cancer, last night....I'm awake, and alive! Hallelujah!! Praise God!!
