Mountains, Giants and Holy Cows

Hello, my loves....first of all I want to let you know I'm back online (finally got WiFi!); so the Blogs will be much nicer looking, now! And I've fixed the ones that didn't look so great! LOL!!

I have, officially, been a citizen of Knoxville, TN for roughly three months....I signed my lease in December 2014, and spent the holidays with my youngest daughter and granddaughter; I only began occupying my apartment, in mid-January.

Can I shoot straight with you? I have something to confess. These last three months have been a roller coaster of obstacles, excuses and weakness....a lot of "mountains", "giants" and "holy cows". I haven't been walking my mission like I should be, and I'm sorry.

While my body adjusted to life in my new city, I began to feel severe pain in my hips, and legs. At times, it seemed that my body didn't want to move, at all...just like me, my limbs are rebellious and stubborn. The obstacle I need to overcome is the pain, because it keeps me from moving. The more I move, the less pain I'll be in; right?

Well, that will only work, if I stop letting the pain keep me in my chair. Some would say I was making a mountain out of a mole hill; and at times, I would have to agree with them. Even though the pain makes it difficult to move, I can still move! My problem is, instead of telling the mountain to move out of my way, I just sat here and stared at it.

Another issue I'm currently facing is that I'm still spending cash on food....I don't yet have my food stamp card, even though I applied for that, back in February. Enter the giants....all the excuses and procrastination I could muster.

There's a Family Dollar store directly behind my building; I plan to shop there, when I need things like toilet paper, feminine supplies, and stuff for my apartment. I didn't plan on buying food there, because all the food Family Dollar sells is processed junk! However, (warning...excuse in progress!) considering the amount of pain I was dealing with, and the fact that it stopped me from exploring Knoxville, buying junk is better than starving; I can always venture out, and shop at a real grocery store, once my body feels better!! See what I did, there?

No exercise (every street is either uphill or downhill) and a plethora of junk at my disposal....enter the holy cows; otherwise known as food addiction. DiGiorno Pizza, Velveeta Shells and Cheese, BirdsEye Voila meals, Ramen noodles, Chef Boyardee, etc. I know they all look super yummy....but none of these products is healthy! Please don't eat them!! I've stopped eating them, which is why I'm writing this Blog.

I've felt the impact of re-introducing those food-like products, to my digestive system, too.....my body has been screaming at me! Steadily, the pain got worse, my bowels aren't moving like they should be, and I'm feeling depressed. I'm not getting healthy!! And, I'm terrified; I'm reversing all the hard work I've already put in, and will end up back in the Chemo Chair, if I don't get a grip and get serious about my health!!

A friend of mine is allowing me to borrow a laptop, because mine broke; this friend as also supplied me with a handful of movies, in case I get bored (before I set up my Wifi). One of the movies I've watched is Facing the Giants. If you haven't seen it, I encourage you to do so! This movie spoke to me in ways I never thought were possible.

This is one of my favorite scenes....

The conviction to do our very best (despite the mountains, giants and holy cows) is what God is looking for....and I have failed Him more times than I care to count. This scene convicted me; honestly, the whole movie convicted me....but this scene made a powerful statement to my heart.

I was texting my oldest daughter, one afternoon, and she asked me how I was doing; I told her I was disappointed in myself. I had anticipated being further along in my "new life" than I was, and had become disgusted by the fact that I had slipped back into some old habits.

The Apostle Paul said, in Romans 7:14-20, he hated that he couldn't do right by God; he always seemed to give in to his sinful nature. I keep holding on to what God told my oldest daughter, the week I was diagnosed...He said I wasn't going to die from this disease, but it was going to be used for His glory.

It is NOT my intention to make God out to be a liar! But I know, if I don't get healthy and stop this disease from destroying the rest of my body, that's exactly what will happen....I'll die from breast cancer. And I'm the only one who can stop myself from eating things that will destroy my health.

So....now that I've fallen, again.....it's time to pick myself up off the ground, dust myself off, and keep believing I will be the person God wants me to be!

I will NOT accept defeat!!

Eye-Opening Wake Up Call!!

Wow....I’m speechless! I just really don’t know what to say, or where to go with this; so, I’ll just start by explaining why I’m unable to think, at this moment.

I watched a video, by The Life Regenerator, last night...and began to feel convicted. He said a lot of stuff about his own journey, and how surrendering and getting real with himself, changed his life; it was a powerful video!

And, while I was in worship, this morning, I realized where that conviction was coming from; I’m not improving my health, and I've begun to make excuses for why I do what I do, again. I know what I need to do, but I don’t do it, consistently; I've gone back to just going through the motions, and not truly holding myself accountable. Lord, empty me of me, so I can be filled with YOU!!

In my revelation, this morning, I realized that everything God had placed in my care is gone.

• My livelihood. I don’t have a job...and I’m medically not allowed to work, anymore. My source of income is a monthly Disability check, now; and it’s not all that big, either.
• My children. I’m having to repair relationships with my three children, because I wasn't the Mother they needed me to be, when I had the chance. Two of these repair jobs are coming along, slowly; but the relationship I have with my son is strained, at best. There’s a wall between us, and I can sense it every time he and I have a conversation.
• My belongings....I used to have a lot of stuff! Yes, God expects us to take care of our material possessions, as well! I don’t have much, now...the bulk of my belongings ended up in a yard sale, held by a niece of mine. What I have now, I've purchased since moving into my sister’s house.
• My health!! I neglected and abused the body He gave me to live in, so much, I almost lost that, too! And, here it is....a year and 6 months after I got diagnosed, and I still struggle with “what’s the convenient thing to do?” I've even heard myself think “I only get xx amount in food stamps; I can’t afford to go vegetarian/vegan!!” Really?? Most of what I eat, is convenience food...the very lifestyle that caused the disease, in the first place! Can I afford to die??

My sister told me, she’s not willing to alter her life to accommodate me...at first that hurt my feelings. My thought was, “I don’t EXPECT her to, but it would be nice!” Who am I kidding?? At this point, I haven’t even altered my own life to accommodate myself!! How can I want someone to do something, I’m not willing to do for myself?

I remember a conversation I had, with my Physical Therapist, a few weeks ago. I was talking to her about The Savvy Survivor Facebook page, and how difficult it is to live that persona; she understood... “You've got all the knowledge, you’re just having trouble putting it into practice!”

Yes...that’s exactly right! I’m still letting my human self dictate what happens, in my life; instead of relying on God’s wisdom, and surrendering to His will! Which seems to be the biggest stumbling block I've encountered, in my life as a Believer!

How is it that I can love God with all my heart, soul and strength...but not with my mind?? My mind is where my excuses come from; that’s where my human self still lives! The Bible says, in Luke10:27, we must “love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your strength, and all your mind.’ And, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.” If I can’t love Him with everything I am (including my mind), I can’t love my neighbor as myself, either. Which means, what I teach you in my Blogs and on Facebook, loses its value...because I’m not the “Savvy Survivor” I should be!

I continue to repent, every time I realize I've screwed up; but, my apologies won’t mean a whole lot, if I keep doing the things I’m apologizing for! I’m so thankful that His mercies are new, every morning...I certainly don’t deserve mercy, but I’m grateful for it!

I don’t want to lose you!! I appreciate your support and encouragement! You've become an intimate part of my support system. But, if I don’t get my head out of my butt, it won’t take long before you won't care what I have to share with you; and I will lose you, as well. If I haven’t, already.

My Pastor once said that God isn't the type to take your income away, just because you decide not to tithe. At the time I heard this, I had just lost a job...shortly after deciding not to tithe; I had used the money for something else. Sorry, Pastor...but if God is the same yesterday, today and forever, He most certain DOES remove the things we don’t care for, properly.

And, I know, some of you are thinking “that’s pretty cruel of Him!” and you’re right....but how many of you lost things your parents gave you, when you were growing up, because you got grounded for breaking the rules?? Same principle, folks! Now, He’s not going to force us to follow the rules; but when we don’t, there are consequences.

God will make us the overseer of quite a bit, while we’re here, on earth...but it doesn't take much for Him to remove those responsibilities from us, when we fail to take them seriously.

I stand (figuratively speaking) before you, a broken and defeated human; but, I'm wide awake, now. I ask you to forgive my hypocrisy, and my failures. This “SavvySurvivor” will become the leader God has commissioned her to be, one way or another!! Please be patient with me, as I humbly begin the journey back to myself. I have a hard battle ahead of me...regaining control of my thoughts; but, if I am to be the person God made me to be, I better get real with myself!

Be on the lookout for changes in me, my loves! The Bible says you know a true Believer by the fruit they bear (Matthew 7:15-20). In other words, I should be living the life I preach about, and showing you the benefits of that lifestyle.

I will keep you informed, as my body and mind line up with what God expects of me. As a Child of the Most High God, it is my responsibility to properly care for the body He gave me to live in, on earth.

And so....it begins. (again)

God, please help me learn this one!!

One Step Forward, Two Steps Back

Greetings!! I am compelled to tell you, I'm back in the hospital. There seems to be a tumor, on my L-1 vertebrae, that insists on causing trouble for me. My Surgeon tells me I'm going to lose that vertebrae, as well. Looks like I'll have a matching set of cages, now! LOL!

All joking aside, back in March, I wrote a Blog about my addiction to processed and convenience foods; in the last five months, my condition went from great to "uh-oh", because I slipped back into my old eating habits. You can read that Blog, here. When I recover from this surgery, I'm going full-on health freak, and never looking back!! Orthorexia here I come! God said "this sickness will not end in death", last year. I'm holding Him to it!!

I WILL NOT LOSE MY LIFE TO THIS!!

If I'm going to live, and bring glory to God, I'm going to have to practice what I've been preaching to you. I can't be The Savvy Survivor, if I'm not outsmarting a disease intent on killing me! I've even written a few Blogs about keeping your pH balanced, and how that's been proven to stave off diseases. So, I need to get serious about this, or my Granddaughter will grow up, not knowing who I am! And, THAT is not an option!!

I apologize to all of you, as well. Being a slave to unhealthy eating habits, as I post Blogs, and messages on Facebook, about clean eating, and how to fight off cancer with this approach and that nutrient, makes me a hypocrite; and I am ashamed of myself for that. I hope you can forgive me!

I will keep you posted, as events take place. Have a blessed day!

Hello. My name is Melissa Lee; and I’m an Addict.

I’m what’s known as an emotional eater…I eat when I’m sad, when I’m nervous, when I’m stressed out, and even when I’m happy. I don’t eat, because my body needs nourishment…I eat because it feels good. I've struggled with this most of my life; and even more so, now that I've been diagnosed with a terminal illness.

I recently watched a video (there's an article, too), detailing how the food industry cons us into eating the things that we know aren't good for us, but we find ourselves powerless against the cravings for these things; pizza, chips, fried foods, the Value Meal, macaroni and cheese, snack cakes, soda pop, etc. They are chemically altered, on purpose, to get us addicted to them. And, I’m an addict. On this video, they interview a fellow addict, and she briefly discusses how difficult it is to abstain from all of these gloriously wonderful foods. Trust me, she’s not kidding! I encourage you to check it out!

Father God, please forgive me… I've fallen off the wagon, again! My sister said to me, the other day, “there’s no reason why you can’t enjoy a treat, once in a blue moon”. Under normal circumstances, she’d be right…one slice of pizza, one small fry, or a small handful of chips, won’t hurt at all; and everyone knows you should never deprive yourself. That’s the easiest way to fail.

Unless you’re me; the easiest way to fail, in my case, would be to indulge…even if it’s just a small amount. In my case, it would be like telling an alcoholic that one little glass of wine, with dinner, isn't going to hurt. Everyone knows, to give an alcoholic ANY alcoholic beverage…even just a sip…is to set him back in his recovery, and will cause him to fall, again. And, I've been indulging, lately.

I don’t have the will power to stop at just a small amount. I've been indulging, from time to time, because there are those things in my sister’s house…and I've noticed I've been wanting more, and more. I've got to stop! I don’t want to “die happy” as so many people have said, when faced with the responsibility of giving up their junk food…they’d rather die happy. I’d rather LIVE happy, thank you very much! And, eating any amount of junk food is a trap, for me. I've got to stop myself!!

I can feel myself slipping back into old habits…and, I don’t want to go there!! I don’t want to die from Breast Cancer!! You don’t understand….I CAN’T say “No!”, unless I don’t see it. If I know it’s there, I want it; if I want it, I’ll eat it. I've been doing pretty good, so far; but I feel like I could be doing much better. And, just because someone who loves me gives me permission to indulge on rare occasion, doesn't mean I should. Father God, I need your help!!

Here’s a picture of me, before I was diagnosed. I weighed 251 lbs. This is what giving in to those foods has done to me…because I can’t stop at just a small amount.

I had my sister take a picture of me, this morning; it's been a little over a year, between photos. The darker hair, in the first picture, was a dye job.

Today, I weight 231 lbs. I don’t think my body has changed all that much, but I feel different; and I do look smaller, in comparison.  I can sense that changes are taking place, and I don’t want to ruin that, by going back into my old habits. I want to document my weight loss, because that’s part of my recovery journey. Losing weight will help in preventing a recurrence.

Now, I don’t fault my sister for trying…she means well; and love her for trying to make sense out of a situation that clearly doesn't. But, I know what my weaknesses are, and I know what I have to do to keep from falling off the wagon, again. I also know, I can’t do this without God! In 2 Corinthians 12:9, the Bible says “And He has said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness.’ Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.”

That’s me…I’m a weakling; a mere mortal. I know this, I’ve accepted this, and I can use this to bring glory to our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

This is a list of some of the triggers I've had to come face to face with, lately…

•  I have Stage 4 Breast Cancer
• My estranged husband is being difficult (Lee is my maiden name)
•  I’m making plans to move south, but I’m not sure if I’m going to TN, or to GA (I have family in both states)
• I also don’t know how I’m going to get there, or how I’m going to go from homeless & broke, to self-sufficient & independent
• I want to have a job, but my doctors have me on disability, which hinders that whole independence thing
•  I need to get to the gym, so I can lose weight; but I’m dependent on a driver who doesn't like driving in bad weather (we've had a lot of that, lately)

As you can see, there’s really not a lot for me to stress out about (LOL!). Oy! I know God never gives us more than we can handle, but sometimes I wish He didn’t have so much confidence in me! LOL!!

This too, shall pass!!

Thanks for listening today. Have a blessed day, everyone!! oxoxox