Mountains, Giants and Holy Cows

Hello, my loves....first of all I want to let you know I'm back online (finally got WiFi!); so the Blogs will be much nicer looking, now! And I've fixed the ones that didn't look so great! LOL!!

I have, officially, been a citizen of Knoxville, TN for roughly three months....I signed my lease in December 2014, and spent the holidays with my youngest daughter and granddaughter; I only began occupying my apartment, in mid-January.

Can I shoot straight with you? I have something to confess. These last three months have been a roller coaster of obstacles, excuses and weakness....a lot of "mountains", "giants" and "holy cows". I haven't been walking my mission like I should be, and I'm sorry.

While my body adjusted to life in my new city, I began to feel severe pain in my hips, and legs. At times, it seemed that my body didn't want to move, at all...just like me, my limbs are rebellious and stubborn. The obstacle I need to overcome is the pain, because it keeps me from moving. The more I move, the less pain I'll be in; right?

Well, that will only work, if I stop letting the pain keep me in my chair. Some would say I was making a mountain out of a mole hill; and at times, I would have to agree with them. Even though the pain makes it difficult to move, I can still move! My problem is, instead of telling the mountain to move out of my way, I just sat here and stared at it.

Another issue I'm currently facing is that I'm still spending cash on food....I don't yet have my food stamp card, even though I applied for that, back in February. Enter the giants....all the excuses and procrastination I could muster.

There's a Family Dollar store directly behind my building; I plan to shop there, when I need things like toilet paper, feminine supplies, and stuff for my apartment. I didn't plan on buying food there, because all the food Family Dollar sells is processed junk! However, (warning...excuse in progress!) considering the amount of pain I was dealing with, and the fact that it stopped me from exploring Knoxville, buying junk is better than starving; I can always venture out, and shop at a real grocery store, once my body feels better!! See what I did, there?

No exercise (every street is either uphill or downhill) and a plethora of junk at my disposal....enter the holy cows; otherwise known as food addiction. DiGiorno Pizza, Velveeta Shells and Cheese, BirdsEye Voila meals, Ramen noodles, Chef Boyardee, etc. I know they all look super yummy....but none of these products is healthy! Please don't eat them!! I've stopped eating them, which is why I'm writing this Blog.

I've felt the impact of re-introducing those food-like products, to my digestive system, too.....my body has been screaming at me! Steadily, the pain got worse, my bowels aren't moving like they should be, and I'm feeling depressed. I'm not getting healthy!! And, I'm terrified; I'm reversing all the hard work I've already put in, and will end up back in the Chemo Chair, if I don't get a grip and get serious about my health!!

A friend of mine is allowing me to borrow a laptop, because mine broke; this friend as also supplied me with a handful of movies, in case I get bored (before I set up my Wifi). One of the movies I've watched is Facing the Giants. If you haven't seen it, I encourage you to do so! This movie spoke to me in ways I never thought were possible.

This is one of my favorite scenes....

The conviction to do our very best (despite the mountains, giants and holy cows) is what God is looking for....and I have failed Him more times than I care to count. This scene convicted me; honestly, the whole movie convicted me....but this scene made a powerful statement to my heart.

I was texting my oldest daughter, one afternoon, and she asked me how I was doing; I told her I was disappointed in myself. I had anticipated being further along in my "new life" than I was, and had become disgusted by the fact that I had slipped back into some old habits.

The Apostle Paul said, in Romans 7:14-20, he hated that he couldn't do right by God; he always seemed to give in to his sinful nature. I keep holding on to what God told my oldest daughter, the week I was diagnosed...He said I wasn't going to die from this disease, but it was going to be used for His glory.

It is NOT my intention to make God out to be a liar! But I know, if I don't get healthy and stop this disease from destroying the rest of my body, that's exactly what will happen....I'll die from breast cancer. And I'm the only one who can stop myself from eating things that will destroy my health.

So....now that I've fallen, again.....it's time to pick myself up off the ground, dust myself off, and keep believing I will be the person God wants me to be!

I will NOT accept defeat!!

I miss you so much it hurts

It's been a year since my late husband took his life; and I still find it hard to breathe, without struggling through thoughts of what will never be, now that he's gone.

All month, I've been dealing with physical and emotional pain; I've seen in my dreams more often, this month, than I have since I was told he killed himself. I hope it gets easier to deal with, because I don't want widow's grief to swallow me up.

The two songs I mention below are break-up songs, but these particular lyrics sum up how I'm feeling....especially today.

"Make believing we're together, that I'm sheltered by your heart. But, in and outside, I've turned to water like a teardrop in your palm. And it's a hard winter's day, I dream away. It must have been love, but it's over now. It was all that I wanted, now I'm living without."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

"You held my hand and then you slipped away; and I may never see your face again. So tell me how to fill the emptiness inside. Without love, what is life? And anyone who knew us both could see, we always were the better part of me.  I never wanted to be this free! All this pain.....when does it go away? Then every time I turn around, and you're nowhere to be found, I know I've got a long, long way to go before I can say goodbye to all I ever knew.....to you."

My loves, please don't ever consider suicide as an option to end your problems....it only creates more! You always have a choice; so choose to ask for help, and get beyond the depression. You are loved, more than you realize!!

Love is in the air!!

Happy Valentine's Day, my loves! I hope you're all having a stellar day, today! You mean so much to me, and I appreciate that you're part of my life. You make this journey of mine worth living!!

Love on that special someone a little extra, today. My focus will be on my friends, my family, and you....because if I focus on the one person I don't have in my life, I won't enjoy this day at all. The end of this month marks the anniversary of the day my late husband killed himself; and I just don't want to deal with the pain my heart is trying to feel.

So, my goal is to focus on the joy of the day....and love on all of you.

This journey I've been on has been a roller coaster of ups and downs; I must admit, I prefer the ups. But who wouldn't....right?? A significant up has been getting to know all of you. I've grown fond of all of you, and look forward to sharing more of my ups (and downs) with you, as the years progress.

It's hard to believe it's been almost three years since I was diagnosed. I'm still looking forward to being cancer free for five years; but I have to stay in remission for that day to come. I'll keep you posted on how that develops!

And now, for some updates....

Christmas and New Years were wonderful! I spent almost an entire month at my youngest daughter's house. My granddaughter, Alice, can almost say her name! She says something that sounds more like "Ally", but it's close enough! LOL!

The last time I had been there (for her birthday week), she wasn't walking yet; but as soon as I got there, I watched her toddle across the living room, and was overcome. The only words that came out of my mouth were, "Oh my gosh!" and I almost cried. She's so precious!

Alice is really smart, too. She still doesn't talk, although she knows how; her Daddy says he was the same way, as a baby. He didn't start using words until he was around 2-3 years old. To be honest, Alice doesn't need to use words; when she communicates, there's no mistaking what she's saying. If you can't tell how she feels, by the look on her face, she's not shy about yelling at you. I corrected her a few times, and the look on her face said enough. As with all toddlers, she's not fond of the word "no".

And if she wants something from you, she opens one hand and points to it with the other, repetitively....until she gets what she's after. She's very generous, too; she likes to share her things with those around her, and she enjoys feeding Mommy, when it's mealtime. I was delighted, when she offered to feed me! Playing at the park was fun, too. I couldn't run around with her, but I sure got a ton of photos while she ran around with Mommy and Daddy. LOL!

I took this photo while we were at the park. My Little Angel is growing up!!

Good news!! I finally moved to Knoxville. I signed my lease before going to my youngest daughter's house; and have been officially occupying my apartment, since mid-January.  I must admit, the kitchen is the smallest one I've ever been in, but I adore it! The apartment even comes with emergency call switches, which I love. And the fire alarm works......really well! It's gone off (spontaneously) in the middle of the night, a couple times. LOL!

I've met some of my neighbors; they seem like decent folks. My neighbor across the hall is my hero.....my living room light blew out, and he changed it for me (being short sucks). And I had assumed I was the youngest one here....but have since met a few other disabled people who are younger than me.

I haven't been around town all that much, because my lower back and hips don't appreciate the fact that there are no flat sidewalks (or parking lots); I'm either walking uphill or downhill....and both hurt. The stronger I get, the easier it'll become; I just need to be patient with myself, while I adjust. I'm looking forward to discovering the wonder that is Knoxville! 

I have to be honest, I had mixed feelings about being out on my own. It's just me now, so I'm excited about the idea of being able to do things and go places, without worrying about someone else's schedule. But at the same time.....it's just me, now. I'm living alone for the first time in my life; and that's a bit scary. It's not as bad as I thought it would be, so I'm relaxing a bit more about it.

This is the smallest kitchen I've ever had, but it's a perfect size for me!!

I'm sitting in the recliner...not a bad size for a living room!!

Everything about this place is ADA approved!!

Can't wait to add some decor...my bedroom looks empty! LOL!

Another update for you....I have an Instagram account; if you have one too, come on and follow me! I've been whipping up some good stuff in my kitchen, so I figured it was time to branch out. You can also follow me on Twitter and Facebook.

 Here's one of the recipes I've made; I adapted it a bit. The original recipe is called Morning Glory Juice; but, I made it a smoothie, because my juicer needs to be replaced. I love my Ninja!! This is the one I use.

10 strawberries
3 carrots
1 banana (not in the original recipe)
1 grapefruit (peeled)
1/2 a lemon (peeled)
2 tsp of powdered ginger (the original recipe calls for fresh ginger)

Juice them, or blend them like I did; I encourage you to try it! I shredded the carrots before blending them; it made it easier. And it is a bit pulpy (I didn't strain it). I'm also thinking about adding some raw honey next time, because it was a little tart for my taste. But it was amazing!!

 

Well, I'm all out of updates.....for now. Have a spectacular day, my loves! God bless you!!

Stardate 92610.14 (geek moment)

For those of you who are not familiar with all things Star Trek, I’ll translate the Stardate for you....today is January 3, 2015; and I woke up at 6:42am. I’m geeking out, only because I woke up!!!

Let me explain....

The day I was diagnosed with Stage 4 Breast Cancer, my doctor also said, “So...this is what you’ll die from.” I defied is claim; but later learned that, statistically speaking, the average survival rate is 2½ years. My loves.....that’s today; as of this day, it’s been 2½ years since I was diagnosed!!

AND I’M STILL ALIVE!!!

I’m in tears, as I praise God for the privilege of being alive, to share this with you. As many of you know, while I was in the hospital, having been newly diagnosed, my oldest daughter prayed for my healing. As she was praying, she was led to read John11:3-4 from her Bible. And I've been hanging onto that promise, every day.

According to the American Cancer Society,  the 5-year survival rate for Metastatic Breast Cancer (Stage 4) is 22%. I was never given an “expiration date”, so I fully intend to be one of those who survives well beyond the first 5 years. Bring it on!! LOL!

Another one of my favorite Bible verses is, Psalm 118:24; I will, indeed, rejoice in this day! Rejoice with me, my loves....it’s a new day, and we’re alive and well!

I hope you have a stellar day, today!!

HAPPY 2015!! New Year....new Blog post!!

Hi, again! My loves, I realize that it’s been several months since my last blog entry...I’m terribly sorry; I developed a severe case of writer's block, and could not pull out of it! As I’m writing this, it’s 4:07am (EST), New Year's Day.

On with the updates! I finally moved out of my sister and brother-in-law’s house....I have a tiny apartment in Knoxville, TN, now! Here are a few pictures...

Yes, my kitchen really IS that small! LOL! It’s perfect, though....just the right size for me! I've met some of my neighbors, and they seem to be pretty decent folks. My oldest daughter took me on a tour of Knoxville, a few days before I headed to Atlanta, GA to spend Christmas and New Year’s with my youngest daughter and granddaughter; I've been having such a great time, with them....I'm planning on staying most of this month.

As many of you know, I had a recurrence, mid-year, last year. I believe it’s gone, again; but, I won’t know for sure, until I line up a new set of doctors, when I get back to Knoxville. My new Oncologist will need to run tests, to see what needs to be done, if anything. As of right now, I’m going to believe that I am cancer free, once again!

I moved on December 17, 2014, after my last course of chemo was done. Coincidentally, my new adventure began, the day the last Hobbit movie was released in theaters, world-wide! I've always said I’m a Hobbit at heart, so now I have a timeline to prove it! LOL!!

This is where my life, truly begins....it’s just me, myself and I, now. For the first time, in my life, I’m on my own! No one to keep an itinerary for; no one to keep mine for me, either. No one to hold me accountable, except me; it’s time to go next level!! I’m truly excited to see what God has in store for me, this year!

At this moment (4:20am EST) I seem to be running out of steam....I've only had 3 hours of sleep, tonight. Y’all won’t mind if I stop here, and get some more rest, would you? I’ll pick up again, when I get up, later! Good night!

7:54am – Ok....that’s better! Good morning, my loves!

Now, back to my blog. Getting better acquainted with my granddaughter has been such a joy; she felt comfortable with me, soon after I got here (Christmas Day) and has been steadily warming up to me, more and more, each day. Last night, we had a breakthrough moment!

Whenever she gets scolded for doing something she’s not supposed to do, she apologizes with a kiss; she doesn't quite have the vocabulary skills, to verbally apologize, yet. I've been allowing her to carry my cell phone around, and push the buttons (she likes technology); she can’t call anyone, because the keypad is locked, so I let her play with it. Well, last night, she threw it behind the bed. She’s being taught that there are things you’re allowed to throw, and things you’re not allowed to throw....cell phones are not to be thrown.

Mommy scolded her for throwing Grammy’s cell phone, and Alice went to give Mommy a kiss, to apologize; Mommy told her to apologize to me, instead, and brought her to me. I looked her square in the face, told her that what she did to my phone was not nice.....and she kissed me! It was magical!!

Alice likes to play a variation of hide-and-seek; she gets behind Mommy, in her blind spot, and Mommy says, “Where’s da baby?” Alice’s response to that question is to step out from behind Mommy with a big smile on her face....and Mommy is glad to see her (“There you are!!”)  She has included me in the game, now....while she’s hiding behind Mommy, she’ll peek around and look at me, as if to ask if she’s doing it right. I love it!! It’s fun to trick Mommy! LOL!!

"There you are!!" (sorry for the blur!)

This little person is too smart, for her own good, too! She can talk....she just doesn't; Mommy says Alice’s Daddy was like that, when he was a baby, too. One day, she’ll decide it’s time to speak her mind...until then, she communicates in other ways. She knows how to share things she has possession of, as well; she hands them to you, if she wants to share them. She can high-five, and fist bump, too; it’s hysterical! And, I love watching her make decisions...the look on her face is just precious.

Alice even likes to tease me....I call out her name (“Aaaaalice!”), and she answers back, “mmh-mmh” (translation – “no I’m not!”) She thinks she’s very clever, when she teases me, like that! We both get a kick out of it, too! LOL!!

When I get back to my apartment, I’m going to get a proper ID, sign up for assistance (Medicaid and Food Stamps) and get the ball rolling on my new medical team. I’m also planning on joining the YMCA, and looking into vegetarian meet-up groups, so I can get acquainted with like-minded people. Which means I'll have more content for the Blog!

For now, I'm enjoying spending time with my family. I hope you're having an enjoyable day, as well!! God bless you, all!

Earth Day PSA

I hope you had a wonderful Easter weekend! I have a PSA (public service announcement) to share with you...

Do you celebrate Earth Day? What’s your celebration like? A great way to “celebrate” the earth is to reduce our carbon footprint. Bill Gates says we can reduce our carbon footprint by reducing the number of people who live on the planet!

In this video, you'll hear him dance his way through it by touting vaccines and "reproductive services" (aka: abortions). What???

Instead of committing global genocide, how 'bout we all work together to take care of our planet??

Here’s the plan...

• Use cleaner transport
• Walk, bike, or take public transit (or carpool) whenever possible.
• Avoid allowing your car to idle. If you'll be waiting for more than 30 seconds, turn off the engine (except in traffic).
• Don't take the drive-through (fast food junkies)....park the car and walk inside instead. Or, better yet...cook at home, and skip the fast food!
• Have your vehicle serviced regularly to keep the emission control systems operating at peak efficiency. Check your car's air filter monthly, and keep the tires adequately inflated to maximize gas mileage.
• Driving over the speed limit and excessive acceleration wastes gas (reducing mileage by up to 33%), money, and results in an unnecessarily higher carbon footprint. Slow down!!
• Combine errands to make fewer trips. Remove excess weight from your car. Use cruise control.
• Avoid short airplane trips-take a bus or train instead.
• Eat more local, organic, in-season foods.
• Plant a garden....it doesn't get more local than that!
• Shop at your local farmer's market or natural foods store. Look for local, in-season foods that haven't traveled long distances to reach you.
• Choose foods with less packaging, to reduce waste.
• Eat lower on the food chain...going meatless for just one meal a week can make a difference. Globally, it has been estimated that 18% of all greenhouse gas emissions are associated with meat consumption.
• Reduce, reuse, recycle!
• Recycle all your paper, glass, aluminum, and plastic. Don't forget electronics!
• Buy less! Replace items only when you really need to...like after they break, or stop working!!
• Compost food waste for the garden. Garbage that is not contaminated with degradable (biological) waste can be more easily recycled and sorted, and doesn't produce methane gases (a significant greenhouse gas contributor) when stored in a landfill.
• Buy recycled products, particularly those labeled "post-consumer waste."
• Adopt water-saving habits
• Take shorter, less frequent showers...this not only saves water, but it also saves the energy necessary to heat it.
• Don't use the garbage disposal...compost instead.
• Run the dishwasher and the laundry machines only when full. And, if you can, dry your clothing outside on a clothes line (this saves electricity)!
• Wash cars rarely, or better yet, take them to a carwash. Commercial carwashes use less water per wash than home washers, and they are also required to drain used water into the sewage system, rather than storm drains, which protects aquatic life.
• Avoid hosing down or power-washing your deck, walkways, or driveway.
• Regularly look for, and fix, leaks.
• Choose sustainable building materials, furnishings, and cleaning products.
• Explore green design features for your building, like passive solar heating, a rainwater catchment or grey water recycling system, and recycled materials.
• Choose efficient appliances, including low flow shower heads, faucets, toilets; also furnaces, air conditioning units, dishwashers, and refrigerators. ENERGY STAR labeled products are recognized as having superior energy efficiency.
• Choose furnishings that are second-hand, recycled, or sustainably produced.
• Plant drought tolerant plants in your garden and yard.
• Use biodegradable, non-toxic cleaning products.
• Add solar panels to the roof of your home. This costs a little more than the above options, but many providers offer financing options which minimize upfront costs. Two examples are SolarCity and SunRun. If you live in a state with a Net Metering law, you could eliminate your electricity bill, or even earn money, by selling electricity back to the grid.

Every day can be Earth Day; if everyone on the face of this wonderful planet of ours would consciously make these points a part of their everyday life, our CO2 emissions would be drastically reduced...without reducing the size of the world's population!

Have a great day, everyone...and God bless you!! oxoxox

Update Time!

I really don’t want to do this....do I have to face tomorrow? *ugh*

Sorry, everyone....I've not been in the best of moods, lately. Tomorrow was supposed to be a special day; not that I was going to celebrate it, but knowing that I can't vs not wanting to, is different. Tomorrow would have been mine and my late husband’s anniversary. Having been estranged from him, for our anniversary, last year, it would have been no big deal to treat this one like it was just another day, same as last time. But, knowing that he’s gone....I find myself wishing I could celebrate it; or just talk to him.

So, here I go again, with the sadness and anger stages of grieving. To be honest, I feel like blowing up at someone (or hitting them), just to feel some kind of release. I don’t like feeling this way...I’m generally a very mild-mannered and loving person! So, feeling this way is very uncomfortable to me....but, I don’t know what to do with it!

I even noticed, yesterday, that I had been grazing on cheese corn. I only wanted a little bit of it...just a couple handfuls; but, I ended up eating much more than I should have. It’s an old habit of mine; I was an emotional eater, for the longest time. Back in the day, any time life got a little difficult I’d reach for whatever junk food I could get, and stuff my face, until I felt better. I can’t let myself do that, anymore!!

I think one of the biggest issues I’m facing is the fact that regardless of what had broken us up, through the years, we always found our way back to each other, eventually; he and I had been “on again, off again” for 24 years. And now that he’s dead, I have to get to the point where I’m at peace with the fact that that’s not going to happen, anymore.

Father God, please help me deal with this pain...I honestly don’t want to feel this way, anymore!!

~~~~~

In other, happier, news....

My youngest daughter will be turning 21, on Saturday; we’re both very excited about that! And, not only is my granddaughter crawling, now; she has her first two teeth...the bottom front teeth have come in!! I’m a very proud Mamma and Grammy!

I love how baby girl is gnawing on my Bolthouse Farms drink bottle!
We tried to get her to put it down, but she refused to give it up! LOL!

Oh, I've also joined a fitness club, called Forever Fitness 24. I started last week, with the goal of becoming strong enough to stand for 2 hrs or more, because I’m going to see Def Leppard in August. I've been a fan of theirs for a very, very long time, and have never seen them, live; I want to enjoy the show!! Secondary goal...I’d like to be able to lose 50 lbs by then, as well....new wardrobe!! LOL!

I’ll also be taking Yoga and Zumba classes, as soon as I’m able to move a little more fluidly. Here are some of the machines I’m concentrating on....

The only CRUNCH I can handle!!

I swear, I could sit at this machine all day....I love it!!

Not looking for serious muscle...just want my arms
firm and toned.

Another one of my favorite machines!

Is it a press...or a row?? Either/or, it's working my shoulders!!

I sit this way, and turn around facing out, to do this
behind my neck, as well!

This is a LOT harder than it looks!! LOL!

My Oncologist is happy with my new fitness routine, and he said the exercise will help lower my blood pressure....it’s been a bit high, for a while now, and we’re both a bit concerned about that! I told him I refuse to take blood pressure medications, because I don’t want to be dependent on a prescription drug, for the rest of my life. He reluctantly ok’d that decision! LOL!!

There are much more healthy ways to lower blood pressure, and I intend to utilize those methods to keep mine in check.

• I don’t smoke....I don’t drink alcohol, either.
• I've changed a lot about my diet, in recent years (looking into changing it a bit more)
• I've begun a fitness routine
• I take supplements
• I don’t drink coffee that often (I prefer tea)
• I’ll be signing up for Yoga, soon (meditation and deep breathing are good measures to take in lowering your blood pressure)
• I don’t have the stress of a job at this time
• and I love listening to music!

I’m sure I’ll be just fine, without any medication! And, I’m researching natural ways to combat the blues, as well, so depression doesn't take control of me...because I truly don’t want to feel this sad and lonely, anymore!!

Stay healthy, and happy....and have a blessed day!! oxoxox

The Savvy Survivor - A New Chapter

First, I want to thank all of you for your love, prayers and support, since I announced the death of my estranged husband. It has, truly, meant a lot to me! One of my Twitter fans even said, as an encouragement, that now is the time for me to prove my title...The Savvy Survivor.

Typically, when I hit the emotional wall, like this, I would resort to binge eating, drinking alcohol, or smoking to cope with my nerves. I can’t do either of those, anymore...because they would do more harm, than good. So, I need to find another way to cope with this massive roller coaster of emotions I find myself on, at this time. A niece of mine, whom I’m very close to, suggested I vent in the form of a blog.

So, until I can function, again, as a normal human being, this blog will contain entries full of despair, confusion, grief, and anger, from time to time. Please bear with me, my loves...I pray I can breathe again, soon!

I met James two years out of high school...we had gone to the same high school, but ran with different crowds. The day we officially met, there was a connection almost immediately. And, even back then, we had some obstacles to overcome; he was often times, moody and distant, and I never could figure out why. The reasons he’d give me never made sense.

We broke up more times, during the 24 years we knew each other, than I can count! And, the only breakup that was my idea was the one that led to our divorce, back when our kids were little; the darkness he had allowed himself to get swallowed up by, had caused him to become violent, and I was genuinely afraid for me and the kids. I had no choice, but to leave.

Hardly anyone I know (family and friends), was able to understand why I kept getting back together with him...and our getting re-married blew everyone away! Some people even called me a fool. My family didn't like him, all that much, because of the way he treated me, when the darkness rolled in; what they still don’t understand, is that I knew him well enough to know the “asshole” behavior (pardon my use of terms) wasn't his fault...it wasn't intentional. I may have been the only one who could see that.

What was James' fault, was that he never sought help for this mental disease (I believe he was bipolar). He didn't want to be labeled “crazy”, so he never got tested for depression, or bipolar disorder, or anything of that nature. The only disease he got help for, was diabetes...it was a physical illness, not a mental one.

After we separated, this time, I found myself getting caught up in all the negative energy a few of my family members were sending out; he was being accused of plotting and scheming against me, and I joined in. How else would they see it, when James had convinced me to sign away the remaining child support he owed me, and then we fell apart (again)? I even questioned whether or not he ever loved me, at all....verbally, in an e-mail to him. And now, I wish I could tell him I know the truth; after speaking with a long-time friend of his, I know now, he really did love me. I'm sorry, I couldn't see it, then.

Why is it that we never really know someone, until after they’re gone?? I also found out from a conversation with my youngest daughter after she had contacted James' mother, he only abandoned me, when I told him I was diagnosed with breast cancer, because he didn't believe me...he and I weren't on good terms, at the time. I wish I had known that, then...I would have sent him my medical file.

If I could go back in time, to the day we met, and do it all again...I would. The only thing I would do differently is insist that he get help for his mental distress, and get on medication to control it, once I saw that breaking up had become a habit.

Knowing (now) how much he loved me, I could have shown him some tough love and not taken him back, until he got help....we would have avoided getting divorced, in the first place, if I had insisted back then. I’m sure it would have helped.

When it was good between me and James, it was SOOO good; but, when it was bad...it was just easier to hate each other. The emotional roller coaster he and I had been on, all those years, took its toll on our relationship, in the end. I know he loved me, as much as I loved him; but, the darkness that kept swallowing him up, always managed to build a wall between us. Until now, no matter how many time the darkness came between us, we managed to dig through the wall, and find our way back to each other.

This time, the darkness won.

And now, I find myself experiencing emotions I never knew I had; and ones I don’t want to feel! This morning, on my personal Facebook page, I made this statement, as if I were talking to James...

“It's been a week, since you took your life; and, even though, we weren't speaking to each other, I found a certain sense of peace knowing you were still out there....somewhere....being angry at me. What am I going to do, now??”

I’m lonely, and distressed; I feel empty and incomplete...angry, lost, guilty. And, I’m experiencing all of these emotions, and more, all at the same time; it’s dizzying! I saw a picture of James, from back in high school (senior photo), yesterday, and felt like I got punched in the gut!

I’m trying hard to focus on the good times James and I shared; but then I end up sobbing, hysterically, because the realization hits me...we’ll never have any more good times, together. Right now...I'd settle for an argument!

Father God, please help me get through this!!! Hold me in your arms, and help me to see that I will be alright, some day!!

Life Has Changed

I haven’t posted a blog in a while...I think it’s been longer than a month! Sorry about that! Here’s an update for you...

Last week, I went to Peachtree City, GA, and spent the week with my youngest daughter; I, finally, got to meet my granddaughter!! <3 It was the best week I've ever had...and I've got tons of pictures, too! Last week, I also celebrated my birthday (first birthday, officially cancer free); I’m 44 years old, now! Yay, me!!

Three generations of survivors, there! Breast cancer, a difficult pregnancy, and attempted suicide!

My birthday week was AMAZING!! I loved getting to spend time with my daughter, her boyfriend, and my granddaughter; and the boyfriend’s parents are such great people, too!! They not only picked me up, from the airport; they also dropped me off, when it was time to go home...and hugged me “good bye”! Love them!!

I have more pictures on my Facebook page (The Savvy Survivor)...including pictures of two birthday meals my daughter fixed for me! They were delish!! So was the vegan birthday cake...made from scratch!!

I was there from Monday afternoon, to Friday afternoon. Friday night, I had a strange dream, about my estranged husband (I mentioned him here); I told him he needed to be the husband he promised me he would be....his answer was, “I'm sorry; I can’t”. A few hours after I woke up, Saturday morning, I got told something that has changed my life, forever.

I was told he had taken his own life, Friday evening. Now, I understand why he told me he can’t be the husband he promised he’d be, in my dream. He had struggled with bipolar disorder (un-diagnosed), for quite a number of years; and was diabetic, as well. I’m coping with this, the best I can...we never resolved the issues that split us up. I’m also having a hard time dealing with the fact that he took his life, the day after my birthday.

My youngest daughter, and son, are his children; she's dealing with his death, much the same way I am...and, as of this post, I haven't heard back from my son.

The Bible says murder is a sin (Exodus 20:13), and killing yourself is murder. However, I am choosing to believe that God went to him, at his final breath, and he asked God for forgiveness; if that’s true, he’s in Heaven, waiting for me....and we’ll see each other, again, some day.

I made this, to honor him....

My loves, I am begging you....please don’t consider taking your own life, just because things may seem a bit difficult; suicide is not the answer, it just creates more problems!!

Talk to someone...reach out for help!! It’s there...someone will always be there to help you through the bad times! You're NOT alone!!

Thank you for your love and support; it really means a lot to me! God bless you!! oxoxox